The zombie's dinner. Not Wikipedia.

christopheranton By christopheranton, 13th Feb 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

Whatever you do in life, dont annoy a zombie. You will regret it, but you probably wont live.

Julian Faversham here.

Before reading this one, read these to catch up with the story.
Zombie Chronicles 1
Zombie Chronicles 2
Zombie Chronicles 3

I am taking advantage of the temporary absence of my housemate, Mr Christopher Anton, to publish some more of my own story on his hubpages. Due to the operation of the Ukrainian Spell that I put him under Christopher is unaware that I can use his computer, or that I am revealing my double nature,(which I keep hidden from him), to the world.

Recent events have left me less fond of my housemate than I previously was, and a lot less enamoured of him than he thinks I am. But the time has not yet arrived for me to reveal myself in all my gruesomeness. When it does I look forward to the look of horror in his expiring eyes as I swallow the third mouthful of his still bleeding flesh. ( They usually expire after the third bite is taken. That's my experience anyway. No doubt there are zombies who will claim to keep them alive until almost all the body is consumed, but there are liars in every walk of life, and living death.)

The reason why I am more inclined to eat my companion than play music for him, is to do with the visit of his landlord Mr Gutterskunk to the house a few days ago. I do not like being lied to , or matters of importance being kept from me, and that is what seems to be the case in "chez Anton" recently.
My piano, which has been in this house since I resided here as a living person in the early part of the twentieth century, is the greatest love of my life. Since I came back to live here as a zombie, by the invitation of Mr Anton, I have had many blissful evenings playing the great classics, and reliving the time in my heyday when I was the organist at St Margaret's Church Wimbledon.
Christopher would often sit and listen to me when I played, although I did sometimes notice a look of disgust come over his face, and several times I heard the sounds of vomiting coming from the bathroom upstairs, after he rushed from the room in mid performance.
Nobody likes their personal condition being disrespected, and zombies are no exception. It is not my fault that my face looks like a rotten apple, or that I sometimes smell like the armpit of the devil. If he didnt like it he had no business asking me to live with him. Zombies dont find the appearence or the smell of human beings attractive either, but you dont find me rushing from the room to get sick.

Anyway that is all by the way. The real reason why I am totally disgusted with my "roomie" is, as I said, because of something that I discovered when Mr Gutterskunk came to do his inspection of the house.
I had been instructed to keep myself well hidden in the cupboard in the livingroom, and the radio had been left on to hide the sounds of my laboured breathing.
The landlord of the property was a most particularly repulsive human being. A fat bald head perched on a jelly like body, and a voice that could deafen a whale.
He came into the livingroom while I was hiding in my cupboard. He made the usual landlord inspection type grunts and tsks, and then said something about the awful smell in the room. I tried to breathe quietly while he was there. I didnt want to be found. But then he made a phonecall on his mobile that sealed his fate, and became the last call that he would ever make.
Since that phonecall is so pertinent to what subsequently happened, I will record it here almost word for word as I remember it.

"Hey Jack, Yea I am in the house now. Do you still want that piano?
It,s yours for five hundred nicker.

Yea Anton is cool about us taking it. He doesnt want it here.

If I meet you tomorrow you can give me the money, and then you can organise your men to
take it away. Then, Job Done.

Cor! I dont know what this geezer does in this house, but it stinks".

If you are familiar with my previous story, you will know that I am a recovering cannibalistic zombie, and that I sometimes get an almost unbearable craving to eat warm human flesh, instead of the pallid catfood that has been my diet since I became "clean". Recently the cravings had been especially strong. Several times I have had to make a supreme effort of will to resist the urge to leap on Christopher, and start chewing on his liver. Once I actually had to be restrained by an emergency outreach worker from Zombies Anonymous, in order to save his life.
When I heard Stanislaus Gutterskunk promise my beloved piano to his crony, and detected his repulsively addictive living smell all my resistance crumbled.
He didnt scream when I jumped from the cupboard straight onto his chest. He didnt scream because his jaw and tongue became my bite number one. This is a trick that I learned from my beloved father Herbert Faversham, late Butler to Her Majesty Queen Victoria,aka, Jack the Ripper.

"Always silence them first" he said.

He told me that with his, almost, dying breath. His wise paternal words have stood me in good stead ever since.

Gutterskunk lasted a bit longer than the average victim. Indeed it wasnt until the fifth bite that he finally became defunct. Absence from the game must be improving my technique. I have never made them live beyond the third mouthful before. I should enter the zombie olympics.

The secret of the piano.

In my frenzy I managed to consume about half of the late Stanislaus, bones and all. Eventually my long suppressed appetite was sated however, and I had time to consider my next move. The first thing was where to put the legs, arms, and intestines. The rest of him was snug in my, somewhat distended, stomach. I didnt want to keep the meat in the cupboard as Christopher hung his coat there sometimes, and I figured that the sight of the limbs of his landlord lying in a heap in the bottom of the wardrobe might put a cloud over relations in the house.
But the ideal solution was close at hand. The upright piano, my pride and joy, could come to my aid, just as I had to it's when I prevented it's sale by that unscrupulous crook. It could take care of what was left of his steaming remains.

So as quickly as possible "the bits" were deposited in the piano. The Tabby cat, with typical feline insouciance, helped by licking up most of the blood from the floor.
It only remained to place an old carpet from the bottom of the cupboard over the stains for me to say, in the words of my dinner, "Job Done".
When Christopher returned that evening, both the cat and myself were relaxing replete on the sofa. I answered his questions about how the day went, without giving any thing away, naturally.
Later on, when I played, the piano sounded a bit off, but I assured him that I would take care of it. He seemed satisfied with that.

I am still consumed with a raging hatred of my host, as I suspect he may have been in league with Gutterskunk over the piano, but he is safe for a few days yet. The store in my beloved instrument needs to be eaten first. I have always believed in eating food in rotation.

For the next thrilling installment read here.


Fear Of A Zombie, Living With A Zombie, Steaming Flesh, The Dreaded Zombie, The Zombie Eats, Wikipedia, Zombie, Zombie Attack, Zombie In The House, Zombie Wikipedia, Zombies Eat Brains, Zombies Eat People

Meet the author

author avatar christopheranton
Born in Ireland, but living in London since 1986, my main interests are reading, studying history, politics, and theology, and looking after the welfare of my cat. I like to write on a variety of subjects, make general observations on lifes dilemmas....(more)

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author avatar Carol
14th Feb 2011 (#)

Great post Chris, well done!

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author avatar christopheranton
14th Feb 2011 (#)

Cheers Carol. Thanks.

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author avatar Denise O
15th Feb 2011 (#)

Loving the series, the humour makes it not so well, gruesome. Keep up the good work Christopher. Zombie AA, love it!LOL
As always, thank you for sharing.:)

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author avatar christopheranton
15th Feb 2011 (#)

Cheers Denise.
Glad you are still liking it.

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author avatar Martin King
16th Feb 2011 (#)

I guess you like zombies great read thanks for sharing

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author avatar Greenfaol
15th Mar 2011 (#)

Excellent read, I'm really enjoying this :D Just had another thought - BBC3 might like this. Just a thought, keep em coming xxx

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author avatar christopheranton
15th Mar 2011 (#)

Thanks for that tip.

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