The continuing adventures of my cats, C. and P.!

Jack GoblinStarred Page By Jack Goblin, 15th Jul 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/2r1bd11_/
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

Life with some cats can be an adventure. Life with MY cats is a three ring circus with the animals in charge.

When Cats Behave Like... well, Cats.

I've written previously about my cat, C. (as I will continue to call him to preserve his identity. Not that he cares, but I do) and how, following having a tooth removed, he was exhibiting odd behavior while on pain medication. In fact he was acting like a far more mellow... and rather goofy... cat. Clearly, this was because he was stoned. I expressed fears/confidence at the time that, once he stopped being higher than a kite, he would go back to 'normal'. And such has happened. C. has recovered and, as expected, resumed his role as an Engine of Destruction.

In Other Words, Behave In Ways to Drive Humans Nuts...

Cats do this. They push things off shelves and tables and - with clinical interest - watch them fall and shatter on the ground. They sharpen claws on furniture until it's in shreds, even if there's a scratching pole nearby and you've put coverings over the furniture precisely to prevent cat scratch fervor. So to speak. They dash about like maniacs, using their speed combined with their mass to knock over chairs, scatter papers, and in generate cause havoc. All this is standard practice for a cat. Apparently they regard this as part of the 'job'.

But C. is really good at his work, and comes up with innovations. Like launching himself from the top of my tower computer and knocking the thing over. Or deciding to lay on top of my answering machine, his bulk pushing down the buttons and deleting messages, changing dates, and turning the whole thing off. Or throwing up on important papers. And he's a fiend for chewing on any plastic bag left in reach, and tearing off and swallowing little bits. Which may be why he throws up in the first place. C. comes up with ways to cause trouble most cats couldn't dream of.

Cats and Jigsaw Puzzles

I was given an example the other day, as I was putting together a jigsaw puzzle. As any cat owner - I mean, slave - knows, this has to be done in a room with a door that can be shut so as to keep the cats out. This is essential so that the cats do not jump up on the table and scatter the puzzle pieces to heck and back. Or possibly complete the puzzle, sneer at the incompetent human's efforts, and walk around being insufferably arrogant. Although this is so much their normal attitude, you might not notice.

The problem with a closed door between you and your cats is, they will eventually figure out where you are, and begin trying to get in. This may be separation anxiety; more likely they think you've got food and are hogging it for yourself. In this particular case, after several minutes of listening to them scratching at and destroying the wood work, I threw the door open and ordered them to SCRAM. Which they did. Precipitously. I then went back and set things up so the next time I came into the room I could get right to work on the puzzle. After which, I stepped out and closed the door behind me.

The C. Strikes Back!

It was about a half hour later I realized I was hearing more persistent - even frantic - scratching and that C. was nowhere to be seen. I went to the closed door and, sure enough, the scratching was coming from the OTHER side. In those few moments in the room before, when my back had been turned, the little sneak had returned and snuck in, and I hadn't realized it before leaving. He'd apparently had second thoughts about his cleverness when he realized the door was closed and he was on the wrong side, and so started attempting to tunnel his way out.

I sighed, and tried to open the door to release the trouble-maker. And found I couldn't. It was like the door was barricaded.

It took a bit of thought to realize what had happened. The puzzle room had wall to wall carpeting. C. had, with diabolical intelligence, managed to work the section of carpet in front of the door loose with his frantic scratching and wedged it up against the door. Meaning that the door was now blocked from opening, and the harder I pushed, the stronger the wedge became. It took several minutes of back and forth door wiggling and shoving, and even ripping the carpet loose from the floor, before I was able to get the door open.

My efforts were complicated by C.'s frequent attempts to dash out through the opening as I moved the door back and forth. It is apparently his philosophy that the further he is from a problem he caused, the less chance there is he'll be blamed or punished for it. So he runs away a lot. I have suggested to him - strongly - that if he didn't cause problems he wouldn't have to run so much, but naturally he pretends he doesn't understand a word I'm saying. Unless the word is "Food"; THAT he understands!

I got the door open, the cat out, and the carpet stomped back into place and tacked down. I considered stomping on the cat and tacking him down, too, but decided against it. I finished the puzzle soon afterward, and haven't done another one. A guy can take only so much fun.

Enter... P.!

Nor is C. the only source of trouble in the house. Of course not: I have TWO cats, after all. P. (name also shorted to protect the innocent. Which he is not) is not as fiendish as his brother; but he manages to cause problems, as well. One of his tricks is to find an unusual and hidden place to sleep, then become oblivious for hours. If I notice I have not seen P. for a while I sometimes go looking for him, and often can't find him. And he doesn't come when I call (of course) or even when I put out food, usually, so I'm left standing in the middle of my house wondering "Where the heck is he, NOW??". So far he's always reappeared eventually. But those hours of 'No cat', and these hide and seek games, wear on a guy.

It doesn't help that when P. reappears his fur is sometimes speckled with dust and cobwebs and I have to wonder where in this house he could find that much dirt.

When Cats Stay Inside.

Although as another recent episode proves, P. can cause trouble for more than just me. To explain:

My cats are indoor cats. I have had cats that insisted on being indoor/outdoor cats, and they didn't last long. So P. and C. are indoor cats until they die. Or I die. Or we all die, perhaps together, perhaps after they finally succeed in their long cherished and oft attempted goal of tripping me as I am going up or down the stairs, especially when carrying something big and heavy, and we plummet down together to crash into a heap at the bottom, so entangled we have to be buried in one lump. Which would not surprise me.

But while they are indoor cats, I do allow them out into my attached garage as long as the doors to the outside are closed. There are no poisons, no spilled anti-freeze, no traps (not even mouse traps: Who needs those when you've got cats?) out there, and the little hellbeasts are free to raise as much cain as they like. And they do. Which I tolerate because it gets them away from me for a little while...

C. can take or leave the garage. He's an 'indoor' indoor cat and likes his comforts. A full food bowl, warm places to sleep, and a human to bug to attend to his needs and desires. What more could a cat want? Well, maybe opposable thumbs...

P., on the other hand, loves the garage, and expresses his desire to go there frequently. Even though mainly what he seems to do is crawl into the back of my car through an open window and sack out on a blanket in the back. Part of the attraction may be that the garage gets him away from C. And me as well, for that matter.

Look what the Cat Drug In.

Recently, after P. had been out in the garage for a while, I opened the door to see if he wanted in yet. To my surprise he was for once close by, back towards me, crouched at the edge of the rug in front of the door, staring down at the ground. When he heard the door open he looked around, then went back to paying attention to something between his front paws.

I immediately stepped into the garage, closing the door FAST behind me. As a long time cat slave... I mean, owner... I knew what these actions meant. P. had something alive in front of him that was claiming his attention. It might be an insect, like a spider. More probably it was a mouse. And there have been instances with previous cats in similar situations where an open door caused the cat to pick up the mouse in its mouth and dash inside, then drop the still living rodent on the floor and watch it take off like a shot, trying to find a hiding place inside the house.

Hilarity tends to ensue, with lots of running around and screaming on the parts of everyone. Cat, mouse, and me.

Badger, Mushroom... IT'S A-

In this case, though, the door was closed before P. could think to bring his prize inside. I moved around the cat to see what the prize was... and observed what looked like a twisted length of whipcord half under the edge of the rug.

"A-HA!" I said. "Oh dear."

It was neither insect nor mouse, but rather, a snake. A poor, defenseless garter snake had crept into the garage, no doubt through a crack around an outside door, seeking shelter and food. Unaware that Death On Four Legs lurked within. Ready to pounce.

And pounce it had. P. thought this was the greatest thing since wet cat food. A piece of string! That moved on its own! And he was poking at it pretty determinedly to try to get it to move more!

The unfortunate garter snake, meanwhile, was using the tried and not so true (and usually ineffective with cats) tactic of Playing Dead. "Not moving! Dead! Nothing to see here! Ow ow ow. No sense continuing to poke! Dead! Ow ow ow. Not moving! You might as well lose interest and stop poking! Ow ow ow."

To the RESCUE! Sort of.

Deciding everyone could use a time out from such festivities, I picked P. up and carried him inside, then stepped back out in the garage and closed the door before he could follow. I grabbed a shovel and scooped up the snake, continuing to poke it so it remained still. I then carried it outside and away from the house, dropping it off near a woodpile where it could have cover and good hunting. At least until one of the other neighborhood cats found it and started the cycle all over again, that is.

Since then, I've run into a garter snake several times while outside; it may be the same one. If so, my rescue isn't working out well. The 'encounters' almost always seem to go that, as I'm taking a step and about to put my foot down, the snake - who has somehow gotten underfoot, unnoticed - suddenly zips off at high speed. And after I come down from the near orbital leap this unexpected movement tends to cause, I have to pound on my chest with a rock to get my heart beating again.

Conclusion

So I now have a killer snake apparently laying in wait for me outside, and cats doing God knows what inside. Each day is an adventure, full of excitement and suspense, and with tremendous promise! At least for the cats; me, I'm working. And keeping a wary eye on them to see what new devilry they come up with. With luck, they won't do anything irreparable, and we'll all live to see another day. Even the snake.

But just to be on the safe side, I'm careful whenever I use the stairs.


Media Source: Wikimedia Commons

Tags

Cat, Cats, Humor, Irritating Feline Behavior, Pets, Snake

Meet the author

author avatar Jack Goblin
Was born. Haven't died yet. Don't intend to anytime soon.

Thank you much for reading my articles. I hope they brought you pleasure and enlightenment. :)

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Comments

author avatar Margaret Michel
15th Jul 2014 (#)

C. and P. sound familiar...LOL! Cats...gotta love them! Great piece!

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author avatar Mariah
15th Jul 2014 (#)

Jack..what can I say except 'absolute comedy gold'..as previously stated I'm a huge fan of the hilarious antics of P and C..they are legends!! and should definitely have their own website, they would be a major hit with the WWW brilliantly written..please keep them coming, thanks for another great laugh!

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
15th Jul 2014 (#)

nice piece...

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author avatar Phyl Campbell
17th Jul 2014 (#)

Funny! And my initials!! Should I be worried? (Ha Ha!)
P&C sound like many cats my friends have,
And for puzzling, I recommend many smaller boxes for piece sorting and a piece of glass or posterboard to lay over your puzzle when you have to leave it. I also put posterboard under my puzzle so if I need the table I can life the puzzle off quick. Enjoy!!

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