The Things I do for Love

Big Ben By Big Ben, 30th Nov 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/34k5aqgi/
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

A confession I wrote for my girlfriend.

Sorry babe, I love you, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I am about to say.

Now I love you, but I have something I need to get off my chest.

My love, you are the apple of my eye, my reason for existence, you turned this old bag of bones into a semi functioning human being, and you can handle the worst of me like a champ.

It goes without saying that I love you to no end.

But it is said that traits of a good relationship are honesty and trust.

It is with these in mind that I feel I need to make a confession:

Our relationship is built on a lie.

It is a lie that I have to face on a constant basis and it’s tearing me up. I wrote this confession with the hope that you can forgive me for sinning against you and that we can rebuild your trust that I am about to break.

Remember our first date? More importantly, do you remember the part when we were discussing our favorite novels and, by coincidence, we happened to like the same ones?

I LIED.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to tell you that I lied because you, my love, have TERRIBLE taste in novels.

You may ask why I didn’t come out with the truth earlier. It’s because I didn’t want to lose you and I also saw how happy it made you when I told you I read them. I had never met a lady such as yourself, and I was so desperate to make you mine, I had no other choice but to lie through my crooked teeth.

So I endured the torture of reading the books you recommended just so that I could rest at night knowing I made you happy.

But GODDAMMIT woman, I can’t do it any longer:
•I only read The Fault in Our Stars for you, seeing that you who loved it so much. You owe me for that. Big time.
•While reading Their Eyes Were Watching God, there were many times when I felt like throwing the book away but it would've put a hole in the wall, if not killed an innocent passerby.
•I got down on my knees and thanked the Lord when I finished Black Swan. I felt extremely happy when I reached the last page as it felt like I came out of a boring place with a relief that came from knowing I don't have to go back to it ever again.
•I never told you how bad I thought the Secret was simply because of the look you gave me when you asked me what I thought it. I just said it was ok because I wanted to spare your feelings. But JESUS, it was a terrible book.

I would like to end there but unfortunately, there’s more:
•I read all four Twilight books for you. I still don’t know how I managed to do it.
•Wuthering Heights made me question how much I love you.

But the straw that broke the camel’s back was Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife: Pride and Prejudice Continues.

The first Pride and Prejudice book was already a nightmare to deal with but this one was on a whole other level as it had a line that will be forever mutilated into my memory:

“Propitious fortune allowed her to descry whom the crepuscular light yielded.”

I'm sorry, I don't even know what that means but I just couldn’t finish the book. Never in my life have I so badly wanted to burn a book. I could physically feel what little brain cells I had committing suicide as I read that line.

All these books had me thinking dangerously close to ending our relationship, but I am glad to say that I overcame those evil thoughts. I am telling you all this with the hope that we can reach a compromise that you stop giving me bad books to read.

I love you with my every fibre and my family loves you to bits, BUT SO HELP ME GOD, if you recommend one more dodgy book:

IT.
IS.
OVER.

Tags

Confession, Humor

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author avatar Big Ben
Love,peace,and happiness,folks!

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