The Craziest Relapse Ever

hessman29 By hessman29, 13th Oct 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

A man relapses and goes on an adventure that changes his life forever.

The Craziest Relapse Ever

Down the hatch the spirits go. I just relapsed on Jack and I already know that it's a problem. I should've said no, but thought maybe I outta. I could've walked away but knew that I wouldn't. There was a full bottle and only one place to put it. So I took a seat and downed a shot. Sobriety is something I had just forgot. I knew if I drove, I'd prolly have crashed, cuz when I stood up I was completely trashed. Damn that was fast. I fell on my ass and I've barely drank half. I better call a cab, but where is my phone? I looked all around me but I was all alone. Where'd the bar go? Something strange was going on. Oh well, fuck it. Grabbed the bottle and headed home. Walked a few blocks and I saw some cops. Last thing I needed was a public intox. Better be discreet, so I crossed the street. Plus I heard in an aa meet, that it's the drunks that these chumps, run up and jump and beat. Mistreat, throw in the backseat, and lock them in a cell For about a week. With nothing to eat but bread and mystery meat. Suddenly I was pissed I stepped on a side street and took a sip. Like spinach to Popeye, there was nothing I couldn't lift. I'm going to pay then back for all that they did. But first While I'm here I guess I should piss. So I crossed the street and was about to shout when a Bugatti rolled up and a guy got out. He was dressed in Armani, a drug dealer I guessed. He walked up to the sarge and handed him a large stack of cash, I couldn't believe my eyes, at first I thought it was a bribe, but all of a sudden, with the nod of his cap, an officer stepped out and handed the man a bag. He walked back to his car and was about to roll out. But not before I wrote the tag number down, I'll need that later, but for now I'm after that paper.I'd never seen so much Stash and cash, 2 hits 1 punch. So I slipped to the back when they left for lunch. They had left the stash and the cash, I had a hunch. I snuck in thru a window that led to the basement. I'm breaking into jail, Fuck I must really be wasted. Oh well too late to turn back now. I gotta get upstairs, only question is how? After fumbling thru the dark for what felt like an hour, I found a set of stairs that led up a tall tower. I slowly made my way to the top, but I heard the voices of those asshole cops.
And then I heard music to my ears, "the dope and money is in the safe in your office, I put it all away and I shut it and locked it. Oh and since the combo is being changed every week, I took the liberty of doing that too, the new one is 22, 13, 3. Now I'm heading home, and you sir should too. Tomorrow is a long day, you know what we have to do." OK goodnight Shocka, I'm coming right behind you,
"So you can help me lock up. I hope that the boss doesn't come back tomorrow, the last thing we need is him anywhere near that office." A little while later when the coast was clear, and the whole place was quiet I took a giant swig and came out of hiding. I made my way to where the voices came from. I saw the safe and started to run. I couldn't help but think, no way it's this easy. So I put in the combo 22, 13, 3. The door popped open and holy fuck me. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. How could these police be so shitty. From the looks of this shit they're the cartel of the city. So I started unloading the safe and started a pile, this bullshit here was gonna take a while. 2 hours later, I was on my last haul, I was passing the shitter and saw a picture on the wall.The guys name was chipper and lived at 330 Duval.There was an open investigation, but nothing to make Him fall. Then I figured it out. This mother fucker was the boss, no doubt. I wrote down the address and I was outtie but I had so much to carry, I had to jack a truck from the alley. I'm not sure how, but I made it home safely. I unloaded the truck, and buried it for safety. I left right after and headed to Duval. I found the address scoped the place out, and just as I thought, security was everywhere out and about. While I was brainstorming on how to get past, the opportunity presented itself in the form of a guard with a flask. He became angry and slammed the flask down. So I quickly stepped out and showed him the bottle, you're welcome to a drink, just let me over the wall though. He thought for a minute and finally said fuck it. He was getting a drink, his boss could go suck it. I quickly jumped the fence and gave him the bottle, and took off towards the house at full throttle. I made it to the balcony and with the drunk guard looking out for me, I climbed up the ledge and practiced some alchemy. A little of this, and a bit of that, I splashed it on the window and melted the glass. The house was quite, not even a sound. But I seriously couldn't believe what I had just found. The room was stacked from bottom to top with billions of dollars on pallets in blocks. No way in hell I could do this myself, and I was starting to sober up. But this time with wealth. I decided to let the guard Polish off the bottle, I needed to be on point and him to not remember this tomorrow. A few minutes later, he was clearly drunk.I started dropping out money and told him to load my truck.A half hour later the truck was loaded, so was the guard,he had fell over. I walked right out of there without a care in the world.As I drove off in the truck to hide the money, I thought of something that was rather Funny. I woke up this morning without any money. Relapsed on Jack and can't even remember where I found that. I broke into a jail and fucked over the cops. I robbed the cartel for every money block. I went and got drunk for only one day, my whole life has changed in a major way. I no longer drink, and the cops were found dirty, doing a deal with chipper the flipper. He told on everybody and they all went down, except for one drunk who dug up the ground. Never to be seen again after he left town.


Lessons, Life, Relapse

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Mostly just anywhere I want

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