The Car

Zarathruster By Zarathruster, 14th Mar 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

This story is a true account of a teenage misadventure that involved stealing a car and crashing it into a tree.

The Car

Being fourteen and naive is no crime however heisting a vehicle is - especially when you don't know how to drive.

Every time Harvey's father drove us to school we were given a demonstration of the full faith and power of the 1977 Plymouth Fury III. The Fury was a V-8 and a beast of a car. It was used as a police vehicle from 1975 - 1979. Harvey's dad had a unique driving style that utilized both feet. Mr K taught us that you need to have one foot and the accelerator and one foot on the brake at the same time. Every time he drove it was like an amusement ride, either full out acceleration or a frightening stop. I don't think he ever maintained the same speed for any amount of time. Maybe it was because he was English, who knows...

Harvey launched the scheme with the idea of taking the car out for a quick drive.This turned into a systematically planned action of Grand Theft Auto for a night- or maybe a day. Harvey knew that his parents would be out of town for a week, so the planning had begun. We schemed and planned for over two weeks, every day we would discuss our strategy. We got busted talking about it in Tommy's moms car in the way home from school. We were giddy with the thought of heisting this vehicle and would look at each other , barely able to hold in the laughter and repeat over and over again "...dude.. the car.. the CAR!!.." Tommy's mom caught on and told Harveys dad. Mr K then had a long talk with Harvey about not borrowing his vehicle and moved the car to a friends house 10 miles away. Not to worry though, with a little re-con work we found it . We FOUND the CAR!!! We were roiling with delight...The plan was still on!! It was only a ten mile bicycle ride over the interstate connector and into North Miami Beach.

Next, I had Harvey spend the night at my house when his parents were gone. Everything was coming together. I'm not sure but I think my mother told me " sneaking out.." -something we were inclined to do at that age, to steal pastries from Winn Dixie at 4am. Our newspaper delivery baskets greatly helped in this endeavor. That night we sneaked out. It was a long ride but eventually we found it. I felt like we struck gold. The Car!! We left the bicycles in the bushes and started her up. The Plymouth Fury III came to life and we were transformed. We got real quiet and had big grins on our faces. Harvey drove and we headed back to the neighborhood to pick up David. He had a difficult time staying in the lane, I guess because he never drove before. Harvey was constantly over correcting and barely missing parked cars on the side of the road. I attempted driving however i couldn't and let Harvey resume his drivers ed course. Turns were big, long sloping events that made us unsure of their outcome...When we reached Davids' house, I got out of the car and tapped on his window, our signal to come out." Dude ..We Got the Car!!"...David was wiser and did not want to go. We eventually broke his will and he came out. David got in the back seat and we headed for the Junior High School. Harvey seemed to be gaining confidence so we felt a little better. David was a nervous wreck in the back seat, we kept telling him to shut up and enjoy the ride...hey, maybe we'll pick up some chicks!! Upon arriving at the Junior High, Harvey had the brilliant idea of driving on the PE field behind the school. I said "Go for it.." Of course, that wasn't enough..."Do a donut..!" Which he did, over and over again until our sides hurt from laughing..We dug some monumental circular tracks in that field which we were proud of for weeks to come. At this point, Harvey seemed truly crazed. He was beside himself with mad glee and reckless abandon. We were all laughing hysterically- completely out of control. We left the field for fear of cops and drove down a side road near the school. Harvey's inhibitions left him entirely at this point. Approaching a stop sign he yelled "..Fuck the Stop Sign..!!" I looked over at him and thought it wise to fasten my seat belt quickly. I then felt pinned back in my seat due to the rapid acceleration, I glanced at David and yelled "Hold On..!"As we approached to turn, I saw the speedometer go past 50 mph. Oh shit...Harvey pulled hard to the left and I thought we would make it until I saw a parked car in a driveway and a giant tree looming up to meet us. We hit the tree at 45 mph and it was like time stopped. The hood of the Plymouth was bent in half and up in the air... I remember saying "..back it up, back it up.." We backed up and the car died. Steam was gushing from the radiator, the windshield was demolished, the car was totaled..We all jumped out.. David's nose was bleeding and he was yelling that it was broken. We told him to shut up - we need to figure out what to do..

All of us stood there,staring at each other in dead silence. then, just like in Monty Python, someone yelled "Run Away!!" and we did. We ran at top speed for at least a mile. Once again, Harvey thought we would prevail. His stroke of genius was to concoct a story of how the car was probably stolen. this made us feel a little better, I mean, with the crime rate in Miami it was probably inevitable! We would swear that it was stolen! Blame it on the Haitians! They were out of control anyway... We would have to get our bikes out of the yard were the car was parked though and we began to calculate how long it would take to get them out of there. Then we would be free! After our brief moment of clarity, Harvey stared to wail and moan. "Dude, what's wrong.?" He responded "My watch.." we said "screw your friggin watch.." Harvey replied "No man, when my dad finds my watch in the car, he'll know..!!" David and I began to distance ourselves from Harvey at this point. We actually walked further away from him and began to rally for our own causes. We reminded Harvey that it's not our parents' car...and you, Harvey did plan the whole thing...we were just along for the ride! This made David and I feel much better. We were still in trouble however nowhere near the nightmare Harvey would have to face. He kept mentioning his fathers favorite punishment method. "He's going to beat the shit outta me..!!"For Harvey, it was like the Battan death march in WWII. Slogging along, half conscious, traumatized from a near death accident, repeating to himself over and over "..he's gonna kill me.. he's gonna beat the shit outta me..."David and I thought about damage control in our own lives, no need worrying about Harvey, he was a dead man.

Feeling a little more optimistic , Harvey and I sneaked back into my house and my mother was waiting, we were busted at the door. Back to an unsettled rest and a very uncomfortable morning.The eagerly anticipated event ended with a ride to the Police station the next day. All parents were 'fully involved'. It was like the cold war with Russia. Family meetings ensued and I was grounded for a very, very long time. Davids parents grounded him for a decade- or at least it seemed that way. We didn't see or hear from Harvey for at least two months. I think his father had him extradited to be tortured. So much for driving, I put it down for a while.


Automobile Accidents, Automobiles, Grand Theft Auto, Teenagers

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author avatar Zarathruster
Internationally Acclaimed Writer of Satire and Human Interest

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