Temple of Laughter: The First Series By Uthman E. Oduselu

UthmanOdus By UthmanOdus, 3rd Oct 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Jokes

This humourous article is dedicated to all GCFRs of Nigeria on the occasion of Nigeria's 52 Independence Celebration. It is a collection of jokes from some Nigerian commedians with a view of freeing people from stress and to put smiles on the faces of readers generally.


It is worthy to, once in a while, demonstrate some sense of humour in writing. Though, most people get excited when jokes are verbally expressed. Well, I promise that these jokes hereunder, are going to sweep you off your feet. It is the first series of a review of a collection of jokes from a combination of GCFRs - Grand Comedians of the Federal Republic - from Nigeria. And this series is coming in the spirit of the Nigeria's 52nd Independence. Remember that they are mere jokes and you are entitled to your opinion and, as a matter of fact, you may share some of them with the author. For the benefit of all I shall, as much as possible, shed more light on some local jargon used by GCFRs. You may also follow them on twitter, though, I was not paid to advertise for them.

First, @fake9JAnews: "REPORTS: GEJnationalSurprisePackage national anthem to be re-written by D'banj & the pledge by Vic O". What a way to show appreciation for the subsidy removal surprise package GEJ gave Nigerians in January, 2012.

@KlintTheDrunk: "I pledged to Nigeria. To uphold her honour and glory...Unfortunately, she has no glory. Our predecessors sold it!" Please vote for me in 2015. I shall reclaim that glory and keep it in Asokoro, Abuja where I shall build my dream house.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Usain Bolt, the Fastest Man On Earth Says He Wants to Play Football Wit Man United. If the Deal should Go Through, that Guy May Run Ahead Of The Ball o". I think his opponents would be more interested in running away from him as well, so that he does not hit them like ... a train.

@KlintTheDrunk: "NIGERia is the only country where musicians are more than FANs!!!!" Would you blame them? They are only fighting against poverty. Man must eat.

@KlintTheDrunk: " The three arms of government are the execu-thieves, the legis-looters & the judi-sharing. They thief, they loot & they share. #9jaFact". Well, I didn't say that. But as for Klint, God is your strength.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Yoruba man go remove clothes, wrist watch and pant to fight 4 Ojuelegba. See boxing for olympics, we no see dem ... Gala sellers go run from one end of 3rd mainland bridge to the other, now See marathon for olympics, dem no show face". Ask the Nigerian Olympic Committee. Afterall, you called them Executhieves before.
@KlintTheDrunk: "Fat Yoruba girls snore even when they are awake". There two things involved. It is either they have dealt with you a great deal in time past, or you are chasing one of them, and she refused.

@KlintTheDrunk: "If u squeeze some girls' hair, u can successfully fry two batches of Akara with the oil that will come out". I think Akara is also known as bean cake. So how on earth would you say such a thing like that Klint? You must be drunk indeed.

@KlintTheDrunk: "There should be a chart to warn guys when ladies are about to menstruate so we can keep off...Periodic Table!". Wow, I don't know we have good thinkers like you in this country. I plead with doctors to delve into this matter and research extensively and come up with a Universal Menstrual Chart (UMC) and name it after KlintTheDrunk of Nigeria.

@KlintTheDrunk: "These 'Jehovah's witness' pamphlets make paradise all about fruits & animals. Only botanists/zoologists should be interested". That means all botanist and zoologist alone would enter paradise! Well, those outside these aforementioned profession should go back to school then, me inclusive.

Series One: Part Two

@KlintTheDrunk: "Teacher: Why is your cat at school today? Timi: Because I heard my dad say to my mummy, I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave". That child must be interested in listening to wrong things at the time she is expected to be doing her home work.

@KlintTheDrunk: "if our all parents carry first for school ... na who carry last?". Don't mind them. Anyway they are only trying to encourage us. Thumbs up for the true parents.

@KlintTheDrunk: "What's the point of doing blood money if Dangote will still be richer than you". The point is that he is ill-fated (sic). What I simply mean is that he does not have faith. That is the point. Forget about the grammar.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Boy1; why are you laughing so hard? Boy2; my friend just stole my Girlfriend's number from my phone. He must be sending romantic Text messages to his sister now". That suits him. But for the innocent sister, his long thing deserves to be chopped off.

@KlintTheDrunk: "The only way nigeria can become a better place is by putting all the leaders in a blast furnace and starting AFRESH". Was that what President Jerry Rowlings of Ghana did? Well I don't know. But I think it is clear who said it. GEJ please take note. Both of us are drunk at this time.

@KlintTheDrunk: "You Get Big Eye Balls You Still want to Marry Segun Arinze..... Abi Una Wan Born "General Overseer ?". The definition of 'abi una won' simply mean ... 'the result is that you will'.

@KlintTheDrunk: "**News Just Reached Me** That Lil Wayne (TUNECHI) Is From IMO State. Tunechi Means Tune For God". That simply means that indeed, Imo State is the largest state in the USA and that Klint is truly drunk.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Shout Out to All d Guys Dating Girls Dat Don't Give sex Until Marriage. The Lord Is your Strength”and the soap is ur comforter!". Those guys must be greedy. They need to spend more and see if the Girls would not have a rethink.

@KlintTheDrunk: "So how exactly does a pastor with 4nos. jets preach love to a members who trek to church daily?" I wonder how this concerns you Mr Klifford. Sorry! Klint; the Pastor's house is simply farther than those of his abode.

Series One: Part Three

@KlintTheDrunk: " Na only for naija pharmacist dey sell, coke, chin chin, recharge card, pepper soup,beer e.t.c". Even the Ibori as a Governor hustled. So leave the Igbo man continue his own hustling too. It is up to him to end up in jail if he becomes unprofessional at the end of the day. And, don't tell me u don't know that some of them sell kpomo and poff-poff too.

@KlintTheDrunk: "I no understand when Armed Robbers go enter house.. And the wife go still ask the Husband "Who are they?" .Who dem wan be??" The best way to describe it to a woman like that is to slap her with a gun. Then she will ge the true picture of who they really are.

@KlintTheDrunk:"If A Carpenter Was Enough for Mary The Mother Of Jesus, Then What's The Problem With Girls Of Nowadays???" Do you really want to know the problem Klint? Why not ask your girlfriend. True Nigerian - answering questions with question.

@KlintTheDrunk: "#DumbQuestion: you asked for my BB PIN, I later sent '2F3B5E4C' through DM and you ask 'is that your BBpin?' nah! its my WAEC Registration number". It is not her fault. You would have explained to her that it is your BB niddle. In case you don't know, WAEC means the West African Examiniation Council. May the Almighty God bless my teacher.

@KlintTheDrunk: "When Words Are Not Enough To Express Your Feelings Dont Think That You Are In Love. .. It Means That u Need To Improve Your Vocabulary". I suggest you consult Chambers Dictionary for further assistance.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Cinderella lost her slipper, not her virginity. You don't need to have sex to find your prince". You definitely not referring to Nigerian guys. It was because Cinderella's guy was impotent. But hail Nigerian guys. Especially after she has finish eating (Suya) BBQ.

@KlintTheDrunk: "It is Only an Igbo Man dat will give a Beggar Money nd Still ask For CHANGE!". At least he was being sincere enough not to have stolen the beggar's money or decide to use him for blood money.

@KlintTheDrunk: "You scored 65 in JAMB and you want to read medicine and be a Doctor, that's not even enough marks to make you a NATIVE DOCTOR". Yes, that's true. But for sure, it qualifies him for herbalist in my village's University.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Lionel Messi Says His Next Goal In Life Is To Become A Father... I Hope He Can Be Able To Do This Without Xavi or Iniesta". Well just try him by leaving your younger sister with him for three (3) hours. You would know after nine (9) months if Messi can dribble even dead bodies in the whole cemetery.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Teacher to Alaba"; will you slap your father for N10m? Alaba: my father will slap me for not Slapping him Fast". Like father, like son. We, as for me, I demand for the teacher to show me the N10m first and slap her if she fails to do so.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Teacher: Akpos Imagine you were at ikeja bus stop and boko haram threw a bomb, what will you do?.. Akpos:... I will stop imagining". Akpos ... the wisest boy in Nigeria ... You are a true sone of your father.

Series One: Part Four

@KlintTheDrunk: "NO MATTER HOW WEAK YOU ARE, YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FART". I can imagine Obama farting on the day of his swearing as President. I will run away if I was the Attorney General. But Klint, tell me, have you ever tasted a fried fart before? Please, do let me know what taste it has.

@KlintTheDrunk: "If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl in this century, its one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car". Especially if the car or the girl were both won through a raffle draw. But what if after all these ceremony of opening the door for her, the vehicle refuses to start and it requires pushing in the absence of help from the outside and this girls doesn't know how to drive. Who will then push what. Now, that is bad market.

@KlintTheDrunk: "your car, clothes, weave, phone were purchased by men! But you dey tweet #teamMissIndependent Satan dey dance azonto dey await ur arrival". It is not her fault. She simply has enough fools as her ATMs to always make such things available. God will punish her the day those ATMs got arrested and jailed.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Blessed are those that cause hunger to the masses and thirst after embezzling public funds; For their account shall be fat like Dangote!". Amen. Likewise, doomed are those who are tormented by the spirits of the premature deaths occasioned by such embezzlement. It is just a complement. By the way, it is a pity that in spite of Dangote being the richest man in Africa, his name is not yet in the English dictionary. Except he would have to create the Dangote Dictionary.

@KlintTheDrunk: "If you do not have a girl friend -you are missing something in Your life. If you have a girl friend -you are missing everything in Your life". Although Mr. Klint fails to give is the details of what he hav in mind regarding the latter part of his quotation, but I think he is basically referring to restriction from the Away matches men usually play.

@KlintTheDrunk: Cashier: "Are you buying all these? " Me: "No, I'm stealing them. I just wanted to show you first". Please, you don't have to blame her perhaps, she is simply a drop out from Secondary School.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Nigeria = Nollywood, US = Hollywood, India = Bollywood.......Ghana = Firewood". Well, you need to ask the drunkard to explain this further before he calls me Tigerwood.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . . . . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep". That boo must be a fool. Girl!!! Run for your dear life.

@KlintTheDrunk: "#OnlyNigerians would answer a question with another question 'you go chop?..why i no go chop?'". Simply put, question: Did you go for a meal? Why won't I eat? But that was not the answer to the question my friend.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Someone sees you at a restaurant and asks 'you came to have lunch?' Just answer 'no! I'm a Waiter Here'". Or better still, he should say he is the cook.

@KlintTheDrunk: "Your tight friend wey just come back from yankee, dash you cheque of N5million come forget sign am! Its From Your Village!". Especially if that friend died or left for Yankee before I discover. I will just did my grave and bury my head very well.

Well, keep your fingers crossed. You never know, another Series may be out sooner than you expect.

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