Stop Spam! (And Other Email Annoyances)

Rebecca Scarlett By Rebecca Scarlett, 12th Jul 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

A list of the top ten email "don'ts": Avoid these at all costs!

Stop Spam! (And Other Email Annoyances)

Email is so convenient, it's hard to remember how I ever lived without it. There are people out there, however, that abuse email so seriously that I want to send them to their rooms to think about what they’ve done! Here are my top ten email pet peeves, for your viewing pleasure:

1. Immature/Unprofessional Email Addresses
This is just fine for emailing your friends. But don't apply for a job with "bigpeniz69@gmail.com" as your contact email. Unless you're applying for a job in the adult film business, I can't see that making a good impression. The same wisdom applies for email addresses you created in the seventh grade, like "I_heart_backstreet_boys@hotmail.com". Grow up and get a professional email address--at least for your professional correspondence!

2. Use of Text Language
Vowels are great. I love vowels. They serve a very useful purpose. Please don't eliminate all of them in your quest to look cool. This is not a text message with a character limit that gives you a semi-legitimate reason to write this way. Save the "ur"s and "4eva"s for your "bff"s.

3. Spam
Ok spammers, why are you still trying? We all know which emails are spam. Why are you making me click and delete thirty emails every day? They may slip past the spam filter sometimes, but your sad attempts at looking like legitimate email aren‘t fooling me. Please stop!

4. Genitalia Enhancement Spam
This annoys me more than regular spam, if only because my email address could not more obviously belong to a woman, except maybe if I changed it to “I_don’t_have_a_penis@gmail.com. I do not want to "gain an extra inch," especially not in the area these emails are offering to supplement, thank you very much. Do these things fool anybody?

5. Getting Forwarded Emails From People I Barely Know
Just because I met a friend of a friend three years ago, or went on two dates with someone, or gave my email to my lab partner in grade eleven, doesn’t mean I want to see every joke and cute kitten picture they ever receive for the rest of their lives. I mean, appreciate the odd joke from your mom, and I have nothing against kittens in general, but I spend enough of my day deleting emails already, ok?

6. Endless Elaborate Email Signatures
So when I have some spare time and I make the mistake of thinking to myself: "Maybe I'll actually open that email forwarded from my eleventh grade lab partner. Maybe the joke will actually be funny, or the cute kitten picture will be really, really cute," I inevitably open the email only to have to scroll down through thirty-seven pages chronicling the history of everyone who has ever read the email. Why does that take up so much space? Because everyone has some gaudy, ridiculous, huge, sparkly, butterfly-adorned signature. Or a huge picture of their children/spouse/dog. The joke is NEVER worth scrolling through all of that. That's what I get for giving a forward the benefit of doubt.

7. Ridiculous Chain Email
I am not going to meet the man of your dreams tomorrow. (My fiancé would be quite offended by the suggestion.) The creepy girl from the entirely fictional movie is not going to eat my eyeballs. Not even if I forward or don't forward this email to 10, 20, 200, or 3,826,397 people. Another pointless waste of inbox space and my precious time.

8. Novel-Length Emails
If it's going to take that long to write, and that long to read, you're not saving either one of us any time. You know I’m just going to skim it and end up missing the one important half-sentence in the middle which will result in an awkward moment next time I see you as I pretend I memorized the whole thing. Pick up the phone, already!

9. Skipping All Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation
Just because you know me very well, doesn't mean you can throw all the formal trappings of writing out the window. Forgetting capitals at the beginning of sentences, randomly distributing commas, mixing up every homonym in the book--all of these things are very distracting, and make reading your emails exhausting. You can lose friends this way.

10. Cancelling at the VERY Last Minute
Do not send an email when cancelling at the last minute. Sometimes things come up, but if I’ve been on the bus for an hour, and you're not there when I get to your house, I’m going to be righteously ticked off. But you emailed me, you say? That doesn't do me any good after I’ve left the house. I don’t have the money for a blackberry, so I’m not checking my email every thirty seconds. But I am spending a bunch of money I can’t afford on a regular old cell phone, specifically so you can CALL ME WHEN I’M NOT HOME. Give me a chance to turn around and go home, before my transfer expires, instead of getting all the way to the movie theatre and waiting for thirty minutes before giving up and calling you.

It’s really not that hard to combine technology with good old-fashioned manners, people. C’mon, I know you can do it.

Tags

Email, Spam, Top Ten

Meet the author

author avatar Rebecca Scarlett
Rebecca Scarlett is a professional freelance writer with over 14 years of experience. She writes articles, essays, blogs, short stories, plays, poetry, songs, novels, and does copy editing. She has been published in print and extensively online. Scar...(more)

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Comments

author avatar Rathnashikamani
12th Mar 2011 (#)

Rebecca Scarlett,

Thanks for the warnings.
You've listed all the worst spamming mails.

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author avatar Rathnashikamani
11th Jul 2011 (#)

Hi Rebecca Scarlett,

I linked this article to one of my recent pages.

Thank you.

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author avatar Tori ♫♪♫♪♫
12th Jul 2011 (#)

Excellent article. You hit all of the nits that bug me about email. I'm thinking of closing this account because of the spam. You have 30 a day, I get 3-4 times that. A mistake to take a survey!
Thanks

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author avatar Rebecca Scarlett
18th Jul 2011 (#)

Thanks for the positive comments! I'm now up to far more spam emails per day than 30...and every time email hosts change their junk mail filters, it seems like the junk mail gets through but I miss more of the legitimate email!

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