Scientists say Bond's Women Are Neither Shaken Nor Stirred

Ian R Thorpe By Ian R Thorpe, 13th Dec 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

Publication of a scientific report in which scientists studied the lifestyle of James Bond and drew conclusions about the damage to his health the drinking and smoking would do (with the intention of warning us about the dangers of unhealthy lifestyle choices) prompted todays post.

Licenced To Kill (Himself)

I sometimes get accused of being unfair to science tits (what? WHAT?) who are, as they like to remind me, a bunch of altruistic superior beings who devote their lives to a quest for truth as they toil to improve the miserable lot of humankind, often working for peanuts, putting in long hours in the laboratory and being riduculed by bloggers like me for their nerdiness and personal hygiene issues.

In the highly paid industry I worked in it was often said, "Pay peanuts, you get monkeys". What does that say about people who work for peanuts?

The latest project to fall into the category of absolutely useless research, unless its objective was to flush taxpayers' money down the toilet, is a report on what effects the lifestyle of a typical secret agent (licensed to kill), which involves compulsory heavy drinking and smoking, regular encounters with skilled torturers and explosives experts and alluring women who keep stilettos in their stilettos would have on a man's body.

In what is probably the most useless piece of pseudo - scientific research ever, a bunch of OCD geek researchers from the Nottingham University Hospitals NHS Trust have discovered an adult male human cannot drink five bottles of spirits and ten bottles of wine a day, smoke seventy cigarettes an hour, get killed at least once a week and still be a secret agent (licenced to kill). That's the finding of researchers who say that they've plotted James Bond's alcohol intake across his career and that far from being a superhero, he was a physical wreck. OK, I know these blokes are scientists and we have to make allowances, but FFS, don't they realise James Bond is not a real person and that fact alone enables him to break all the rules. The humorless nerds will be telling us next that having studied the aerodynamics of the Kraptonian body they conclude Superman can't fly.

They report in their humourless way, "This consistent but variable lifetime drinking pattern has been reported in patients with alcoholic liver disease". A person with this lifestyle would be impotent and b) he wouldn't be able to shoot straight. Is that so? Can't get it up, poor physical coordination, bad breath, tunnel vision? Sounds like he'd make a great scientist.

Sadly these sexless science lovers are unfamiliar with Boggart's law, that that the more dissolute your lifestyle the more sex you get and the better you are in bed.

What I loathe most about this type of scientists is the lofty tone they adopt when stating what is starkly effing obvious as if they are imparting some gem of wisdom non scientists could not possibly be aware of.

Do these guys think we mere mortals do not know Bond is a fantasy figure or that we are unaware a lifetime of heavy drinking and smoking is likely to ruin a person's health.

Do they not understand that while fully conversant with these things some people will choose to smoke or drink too much, drive fast cars, surf the biggest wave in the world, boff the local gangster's wife (It was a long time ago, OK) or try to ride an inflatable elephant down the black slopes at Val d'Isere because we are human and doing stupid things proves we are alive.

When will someone fund some research into why so many scientists find it impossible to GET A LIFE.

The Spy In Your Smartphone
Apple SP iPhone


Alcohol, Bond, Drink, Health, James Bond, Satire, Science

Meet the author

author avatar Ian R Thorpe
Born Manchester UK, 1948. varied early career from clerk via construction site worker and street trader to I T consultant. Performance poet, broadcaster, fiction writer and essayist on many topics.

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
14th Dec 2013 (#)

Nice post!

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author avatar Ian R Thorpe
15th Dec 2013 (#)


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author avatar Phyl Campbell
15th Dec 2013 (#)

funny!! One of my husband's friends was banned from Kansas after he proved that the total surface area of Kansas was "flatter than a pancake." Some folks have no sense of humor. Other folks have no sense. Great article.

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author avatar Ian R Thorpe
15th Dec 2013 (#)

Funny that, so kudos to your hubby. I'm one of those people who questions everything and often get accused by followers of "the church of scientism" of being a member of "the flat earth society" because I can demolish their proof on Big Bang which is only mathematical feasibility rather than proof.
The irony is the Flat Earth Society were a bunch of wind up merchants who proved mathematically that the world is flat.
It's surprising how much of what has been passed off as 'science' in the last 100 years is nothing more than mathematical speculation leading to untestable theories.

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