Im Nick Robertson By Im Nick Robertson, 13th Jul 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

This is one of the first story/poems I ever wrote for performance. It is based on a place across from my University called the Racecourse named that because it used to be a racecourse. However I was warned from the minute I got to University not to cross it at night as it became the RapeCourse...

The RapeCourse

I left my flat alone one night at 11 45,
I was meeting people in town; going to drink so couldn’t drive,
I'd been warned about the racecourse,
But as my middle name is…Thomas I thought I’d give it a go
I just need to own the space like I learnt in self defence class
Head up, chest out, build energy, lead with your chin not ass
So I take a step onto the racecourse, result I’ve not been mugged
Don’t know what the fuss was about…AHHH what was that!?

A squirrel.

I got to half way point and all was going well,
I might have stepped in dog shit back there but it’s dark so I can’t tell
When suddenly! Nothing happened, no really, I kept walking
It wasn’t till I got to the trees when the crows started squawking...
There was rustling all around me; I couldn’t move an inch,
The sounds where inhuman, CRAAGH MALLAGH SININCH!
(See what I did there, couldn’t find a rhyme so made up a sound. Pretty clever)
The noise got louder and louder and a shadow appeared ahead
I froze as he ran towards me like something from dawn of the dead
I turned to run, took a gasp of air but before I even knew it
He forced me to the floor, and I had stepped in dog shit.
I tried to scream, my throat was dry, vocal flaps not working
I should have known not to eat Weetabix every single morning.

The mans hand pulled my head back, I didn’t know what to do
In the middle of the course, a man on my back and shit on my shoe
I felt his whisper in my ear “I think that you’re the one”
“But as you’re the first MAN I've chosen ill have to take you up the…
Road to my house, to get to know you a bit you know have a chat, grab a beer the Usual stuff guys do”

My mind went blank, I just didn’t understand
As this bloke smiled, offered me his hand.
I got up quickly and looked at him; “Does this mean I'm free?”
“Well no, if you run I’ll get my gun and shoot you in the fucking knee”
He started laughing and I did too, Funny what fear can do to you
“But seriously, don’t run”…he showed his gun
Thank god it was a gun in his pocket, thought I felt something against my leg

So, a man jumped me on the racecourse and took me for a drink
I actually enjoyed myself which is worrying when you come to think,
The mans name was Dave and turns out he was just lonely
His intentions where friendly…not just to bone me.
We continued meeting very often over the past few months
He would call me up for a chat or we would go out for lunch
It’s weird because I would call him my best friend,
Even though when he jumped me I thought my life would end.

I wouldn’t know what to do without him but lately he’s been quite quiet
But its Dave, you know, I don’t really mind it,
He deleted me from Facebook, said it’s all about twitter now,
But I can’t find him when I search his username “daveboomboompow”
I guess he’s still my best friend even though I don’t see him much
He laughed when I told him when he jumped me I thought he wanted my crotch,
He doesn’t answer my calls like he used to, or go on msn
I guess he’s just busy, don’t worry, it's not like he’s my only friend (he is)

I texted him to get him to join Wikinut! Dave, Dave? But I didn’t get a reply
Maybe I need to move on my friendship…I'll miss him, I won’t lie
Well if anyone here wasn’t to be my friend, wants to make me feel alive
Try walking across the racecourse tonight at 11 45.


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author avatar Buzz
14th Jul 2011 (#)

He isn't a ghost, is he? Nice poem, friend.

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