Of Zarathruster

Zarathruster By Zarathruster, 15th Apr 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

The beginning of a my book "Of Zarathruster" whereby I share enlightened moments and words of wisdom.

Of Zarathruster

Of Zarathruster

For Zarathruster saw the state of mankind and understood that he must offer insights to help in the every day lives of humanity. Upon reaching two score and eight years it was put to Zarathruster to recapitulate his past and offer to the populace of earth his realizations and wisdom. Overwhelmed at first, he began to communicate in the universal language of humor to his peers. The writings were widely accepted and this gave Zarathruster the impetus he needed to continue his literary quest.

Food as building material

Being very familiar with cooking and kitchen protocol, Zarathruster saw that certain foods would make excellent building materials and began to imagine the possibilities these foods held. He foresaw the creation of a most rugged and impenetrable material created from dried oatmeal. This material could be used to hold cinder blocks together , its tensile strength being most likely greater than cement. Dried nacho cheese also presented a fantastic opportunity for a more decorative and colorful binder of wood and cement blocks! Zarathruster saw these food groups as indispensable in future construction projects across the land.

Restaurant seating protocol

Zarathruster noticed a very unique pattern in restaurant seating assignments and spoke forth to forever change this forced discomfort. It seemed that every time a waitress had guided him to a seat it was invariably in the most awkward and unwanted place within the establishment. This angered Zarathruster and he responded in kind. "..Sir or Madam.! do not seat us near the kitchen entryway. Do not put us next to a drunken party of eight while the room is empty! Do not seat us near screaming children whilst there is a seat far away from them! Have common empathy, for we are patrons of your fine establishment! The pleadings were duly noted and seating assignments henceforth were changed for the better..

No trespassing

Wary of notice and preferring to keep to himself, Zarathruster refrained from posting signs and placards upon his property. For he saw this as mostly unnecessary and obtrusive to the visual aesthetics of the neighborhood. This changed however upon three confrontations at Zarathrusters homestead. It seems as though gypsies and other lesser types from out of state and far away lands could not refrain themselves from entering Zarathrusters property and confronting him with all manner of malcontent.

The first were two women intruders showed up demanding a survey to be filled out. Being polite, Zarathruster told them "..no thanks, have a nice evening.." and shut the door. This did not sit well with the interlopers and they began a verbal barrage of expletives toward Zarathruster. Angered, he opened the door and met them on his front porch. They responded with "you're just F'ing rude.."Zarathruster then demanded they remove themselves from his property. They did not. This caused a rip in the time space continuum and Zarathruster began yelling and called the police. Later, the police found the travelers and reported back with an ordinance violation for them.

The next incident involved an unknown woman with a tattoo on her neck and a child in hand, asking if "Mario" lived here. Directly behind her was an obese individual in a car, on Zarathrusters lawn, facing directly at the front door. Zarathuster replied "No, there is NO Mario here- what are you doing parked on my lawn.?" She stared blankly and began to slowly turn away. Zarathruster practically flew to the driver side of the vehicle and said, " Hey man..we have a DRIVEWAY..." The obese individual stared blankly and began to slowly turn away. Zarathruster began yelling "What are you DOING...? GET OFF MY LAWN...!!"...The obese moron then began slowly backing off the lawn, saying nothing. Zarathruster then noted the out of state license tag and prepared for confrontation. The obese man stopped slightly, then fled.

The third incident involved another pair of women asking to fill out a survey. The barking dog made them look unsettled and they were sent away without incident. These confrontations are completely unnecessary. When added to the occasional religious zealot on a Saturday morning it becomes intolerable and downright rude. Zarathruster found on older, hard plastic placard that said "No Trespassing,Under Penalty of Law" and posted it in the window. It is not unsightly however it is posted for the next round of interlopers. For extra measure, Zarathruster brought out his collection of swords and specialty knives to be utilized at a moments notice if necessary.


Being fortunate to have a full head of hair and not accustomed to head gear, Zarathruster understood the importance of hats yet was not a lover of them. The glaring sun can be dangerous, a hat can protect you from it. Aside from this insight, Zarathruster was at a loss to explain the unconscious and ritualistic use of hats amongst the populace.

Hats worn indoors seemed illogical and unnecessary yet many wear hats inside. Baseball caps in movie theaters and airports really seemed completely useless other than as a disguise. Not providing any real utility, Zarathuster decided to not trust these indoor wearers of hats. The hat wearers seemed to need an extra adornement on their heads to no logical end.

Zarathruster also noticed the world religions and the infinite variety of hats and head adornment. It seemed to him that the bigger the hat the bigger the lie and deceit the individual wearing the hat was trying to indoctrinate the masses with. And so it was that Zarathuster could not trust nor rely on anyone wearing a hat except to shade the sun from his head.

Wild animals

People love animals and so did Zarathruster. The mistake they make however is in assigning human qualities into animals that are not domesticated and the farthest thing from "human'. Trained tigers attack their trainers and killer whales kill - it's what they do. The arrogance of humans is usually the root cause of these mishaps. Zarathruster saw these "accidents" as completely avoidable if human beings could just realize that wild animals are wild and they will always be that way. This concept hit home for Zarathuster when he noticed a billboard that enticed people to "Get married with dolphins". It looked kinda cool however common sense must scream to sane individuals - 'I am getting married...do I really want to place the risk of being eaten alive by wild animals on my wedding day..?' Zarathruster saw this as an automatic 'no' and thought that anyone that did not have the same response should not be allowed to marry..

Getting a Straight Answer

A unique quality of people today is not being able to get a straight answer when asked a direct question. Zarathruster was confounded on many occasions when seeking an answer from people in this day and age. He wondered if it was always so and if in times past people spoke more directly and without question. Was this a symptom of the age of technical progress and gadgetry? Or had it always been like that in human to human communication? This problem seemed especially exacerbated in the 25 and under age set. When asked a question - any question about anything - the preferred response seemed to be "..Huh..?" or "Wha..?" Were these new words? Has the language changed? Has eye contact become taboo and a thing not done in this age? Are people expected to look down at small electronic devices and mumble half sentences to you when communication is needed? Zarathruster saw this as a potential changing of the language and was perplexed by it, preferring to speak in whole sentences and look people in the eye when speaking.

Psychic Dentistry

Zarathruster was contemplating the cause and solution to a mysterious toothache when he came upon an idea that seemed to work. A filling that was done in Zarathusters youth on an upper molar was needing replacement. Thinking back to when the filling was initially put into Zarathusters mouth, he realized that different materials were used for tooth fillings way back when. The material was liquified metal and lasted over 30 years! Thinking further about the properties of the metal and it's resilience and capacity, Zarathruster came upon an idea to alleviate the problem. Since the same type of metal is used in radio antennas and other communication devices of our age, it should be able to receive and even possibly transmit signals sent to it! This got Zarathruster to thinking about sending mental frequencies (telekinesis) directly to the metal to heal itself and seal the tooth. The mental images of sealing the cracked metal and thus sealing the tooth were relayed via Zarathrusters mind and it worked! The tooth is healed and Zarathuster has proven that psychic dentistry is possible for those over the age of 45.

...to be continued


Life Experiences, Philosophy, Real Life

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author avatar Zarathruster
Internationally Acclaimed Writer of Satire and Human Interest

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