Is Michelle Bachmann a Zombie?

Benedict By Benedict, 28th Nov 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

Using my state-of-the-art zombie detection skills, honed by watching numerous films, I will conclusively prove in this good-humoured, work-in-progress article that Michelle Bachmann is a flesh-eating (or at least poll-eating) zombie.

Her Voice

I suggest that anyone reading this rent out a copy of or go to Youtube to see clips of the Dawn of the Dead remake from about 2004, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later and the Resident Evil series.

From those movies you need to identify the times at which the zombies are attempting to speak through their growls, snarls, hisses and all other discernible vocal cord movements they make.

Now, heading back to Youtube, look at the videos showing Michelle Bachmann's debate performances.

Compare all these forms of media and you will see that Bachmann's whiny, repetitive voice is, in fact, a dialect of the broader zombie species. Like zombie communication, hers inspires a series of emotions, including boredom, the need to vomit, fear of how she will screw up/destroy America if ever elected, a desire to build a nuclear fallout/apocalypse shelter, and a disorienting lack of faith in the ability of humanity.

She Talks about Her Kids Incessantly

Zombies are actually quite intelligent. Well, Michelle Bachmann clearly isn't but she still maintains the ability to try and lure in unsuspecting prey by talking about how kind and loving she is - pretty much every 15 seconds.

Has anyone ever seen Michelle Bachmann's kids, or foster kids? I haven't. We have no proof they, too, aren't zombies or been consumed by zombies.

Zombies, despite their repulsiveness, do have the power to make gullible human beings go "awwww" in a bid to gain their trust.

Such talk by Bachmann is evidently a ploy to get you to respect her, maybe have a campaign dinner with her and then be eaten.

I mean, has ANYONE ever seen video footage of the END of a Bachmann fundraiser, where HUMAN BEINGS, not zombies, walk out alive? I haven't. Obviously her sympathy tricks are working fine.

Her Husband

This is what we can call an "emasculated zombie". No further proof or discussion needed, folks. Well, actually I need to write this sentence because Wikinut said this section was too short before. So, to kill time, who do you think is hotter: Condolezza Rice or Hilary Clinton? I'd say Hilary, but she'd need to be like 20-30.

She Reminds Us of Palin

Sarah Palin isn't a zombie (although unlike what we think of zombies, the world would probably be a safer place if she was dead haha).

Zombies have some intelligent but they are not creative. Emulating and copying stupidity is one of their primary talents, even amongst the less brainy Bachmann zombie variety. Bachmann has pretty much ridden the retracting carpet in Palin's wake. Enough said.

Her Immovable Facial Features

Some think it's botox or other cosmetic surgery procedures... but this is actually similar to rigor mortis, except she's been dead maybe 30 years.


Apocalypse, End Of The World, Humanity, Michelle Bachmann, Nuclear Disaster, Rapture, Zombie, Zombies

Meet the author

author avatar Benedict
I'm an unconventional young man with a predilection for saying and doing what I feel.

I seek adventure and abhor most forms of political correctness.

I crave travel, debate politics and love life.

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author avatar Denise O
28th Nov 2011 (#)

First of all, you almost lost me with the Condi and Hillary thingy but, I decided to give ya a chance. LOL
I tell ya, the folks (wanna be's) I wish would get off the Presidential stage, is so vast and she is one of them for sure. I am not as far right as she is, by no means. We have few things in common. I actually do not care if my leaders are ugly, pretty, boring, had botox, should but didn't (LOL) and what their personality is. I just want them to do a good job, for us, not them. Just as with Sarah Palin, she is too far to the right and to let Michele of all people, basically take her place, does not give proof of a very high intellect on Sarah's part. I guess I am smack dab in the middle of, the tea party and the OWS folks. Other Zombies, Biden, Paul, Obama and Lord have mercy, Romney!
Let alone the idiots in congress, both sides of the aisle. Okay, Okay, we are talking Presidential, sorry but, congress pisses me off and has for a long time. I really have no one I want to cast my vote for, so far. I actually like good'ol Bobby from Louisianna but, he is not running, sadly. I was going to suggest that you make your articles longer but, I felt you would feel like this...
Who the heck does this lady think she is (almost stocking me too,LOL) to tell me a thing or two and hey, I wouldn't of blamed you. I like your style of writing. You take out those you feel are wrong. You blur the line down that political aisle and I feel as a reader, we can not ask for much more. Don't worry, I will soon go to the store (tonight) and get a memory card for my camera and start publishing articles again and then I won't bug ya so much.LOL Thank you for sharing.:)

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author avatar Denise O
29th Nov 2011 (#)

As a one whom writes, I get bugged by certain little things, when it pertains to anything I pen.I knew I made the typo of stocking, in which I actually meant stalking, as I posted it. I thought I would just let this one go but, no. I had to log back in and correct this typo. That would be: Stalking*

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