I Am Getting Married...Fo' Real!

Lisa Partee By Lisa Partee, 9th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

While perusing a popular online dating website...I found this! Bingo!!

I Am Getting Married...Fo' Real!

As per my usual emotional patterns, I have been a little out of sorts this week after actually accomplishing some wonderful things in my life last week. I don’t know why I am like this but the mild to moderate depression, anxiety, and moments of irrational anger and tears are just something I have learned to cope with after big life events. And if I am very honest about it, experiencing these tumultuous emotions are much more preferable than taking the many and varied medications that would probably squelch them.

But in my attempt to just “feel better, ” my daughter and I ventured into the world of the world of on-line dating. Now don’t judge me…I’m just a little out of practice, ok? Anyway, as I start to peruse the many pictures with profiles, this is one of the very first I read. I couldn’t believe my eyes…BINGO!! Please, allow me to share:

DWM in dead-end job seeks hostile woman for tepid sex and future divorce. I enjoy smoking, drinking, pornography, petty theft, and self-righteous indignation. Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Gilligan’s Island. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. I love to give compliments that prominently display my gender stereo-types. I win arguments by bursts of irrational shouting like I see from the talking heads on TV every day. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, arguing constantly with supposedly authoritative references that can not be easily verified, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

I’m 44, but look 52 and feel 67. It would be awesome if I won’t hear after our date that you were rated “E” for everyone. It would be nice to be able to bounce thoughts and idea off someone who isn’t wearing an aluminum reflector hat. I am looking for a good time and a few laughs that have nothing to do with your overreaction to something.

YOU: You are a man-hating, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and lots of expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don’t fulfill every need you’ve ever had. Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take it slow with me. My perfect date would include getting drunk in a sh*ty bar while you make-out with seedy old drunks, followed by a loud screaming match and culminating in a glass-bottle blow to the head – yours or mine, it doesn’t really matter. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, spirit crushing descent into booze and pills. Age unimportant, but I often condescend to women under 20 and rehash mother issues with women over 48.

Once you get past the self-deprecating humor, you will soon learn that I’m a raging egomaniac….

Serious replies only, please.

Okay…so why do I believe that his search is over?!! No, really, I can make every one of these things on his wish list happen. My mouth literally starts to water as I think of all the chaos, carnage, and collateral damage I can bring to this man’s life. And “tepid sex?” I am the queen of tepid sex! And wait until he sees me dragging around my rickety soap-box, sneaking furtive glances at Wikipedia on my 4G smart phone pretending to know more than everybody in the room!

I can’t wait to dazzle him with my daily “Top Ten List of Lisa’s Less Than Stellar Moments!” He is easy pickins!

Well, I must admit, my mood has improved considerably. I can’t wait to share the wedding date with all of you. I gotta go now–I have so much to do! Forget the “f**k me” pumps–wait til he gets to experience my night terrors! Fun stuff!

Lisa P.


Dysfunction, Humor, Life, Marriage, Online Dating, Women

Meet the author

author avatar Lisa Partee
My name is Lisa and when I wake up in the morning, I think about writing...everything I look at throughout the day tells me a story...and before I go to sleep at night, I thank
God for this "gift".

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