Humor: P., C., And I ALL Go To The Vet!

Jack Goblin By Jack Goblin, 25th May 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

Further humorous stories about my two cats, C. and P.!

Re-Introducing C. and P.!

I have written before, somewhat extensively, about the two cats who share my life, my home, and - when they can get away with it - my food. P. and C., as I will continue to call them so they can't sue me for libel, are fairly typical cats. They have brains the side of walnuts, a talent for mayhem and causing trouble WAY beyond their size, and no sense of boundaries. Not to mention more idiosyncrasies and eccentricities than most humans could accumulate in a lifetime.

As I said, typical cats.

P. Strikes!

Naturally, dealing with them keeps me on my toes, mentally and often physically. For instance, I have a pole coat rack I hang clothing on. It's in my bedroom, on the other side of the room from my computer. The other day, as I sat typing away, P. walked over to the rack and stared up at the sleeves and pants legs dangling down from the rack as if he'd never seen them before. Then he stood up on his hind legs, sank his claws into the cloth, and yanked. He might have been seeing if he could climb, or he might have wondered if he could pull the hangy things down.

What he pulled down was the rack, which is hollow metal and light enough to move easily. Or in this case, for a yank to begin toppling it over.

Topple, topple, topple... CRASH

It's surprising how fast the human mind can work under stress. In quick order I determined I couldn't get across the room in time to grab the rack (maybe when I had been younger, but not these days). That the falling rack wouldn't hit anything valuable except the floor and maybe the cat, although the impact might cause damage to the rack itself. And that it was amazing how much trouble a nine pound cat can cause.

Once he realized something big was falling towards him - and he'd probably be blamed for it - P. moved like lightning and got out of the way AND the room. The rack struck the ground with an impressive "clang". C., who had been sleeping peacefully on my bed, jolted awake, looked around to see if it was the Apocalypse; then, apparently deciding it wasn't, lay back down and started dozing again.

I went over and picked up the rack, saw that it wasn't damaged (although the clothes on it were scattered all over the floor), and put it back up in a different spot, near a support column. I then went out in the other room to get some cord to tie the rack to the column so it couldn't get toppled again. P. was there, delicately licking a paw. And when he saw me he gave a completely innocent look, as if he hadn't just nearly caused a cat-astrope.


An Appointment... With DESTINY!!

Our latest grand adventure started with a reminder note from my veterinarian, that it was time for C.'s annual check-up. As, six months earlier, C.'s brother P. had had to have FIVE teeth pulled due to feline cavities ("This is what you get for not brushing your teeth. And clamping your lips shut and not letting me brush them, either," I told him afterwards; he of course ignored me), I responded, wondered if I should bring him in sometime, too, to have his mouth looked at and determine if he needed more dentistry. The answer came back: The vet had a large enough opening, I could bring BOTH cats over at the same time. The appointment was made. And my fate, I feared, was sealed.

Once more, off to the VET!

As I have explained, neither cat travels well. C. panics and shrieks continually, P. tries to escape. The two of them, together, would probably be epic and maybe cause a traffic accident. Taking them both at the same time would be madness. But on the day of the appointment, with a fatalistic attitude I put a litter-box in the car (just in case), brought out the cat carriers, stuffed both cats in separate ones ("WHAT, this AGAIN???" they seemed to complain), carted them out to the car, and hit the road.

To my immense surprise - and even more immense relief - they handled the trip well. Apparently being together gave them confidence and eased their fears. Numerical superiority also may have played a role and made them think they were in control; although I'd like to see THEM try to drive. They didn't scream at all, and only uttered a few unhappy mew's. There was a bit of trouble when I let them out of their cages at first, as P. ran for cover under the back seat and hissed at C. when he tried to crowd in the same spot. But by and large, the trip to the vet's went more peacefully than it ever has, before.

Transporting Cats

As an aside, I know one is supposed to keep animals in the carrier when transporting them, conventional wisdom being that it makes the animal calmer and keeps them from interfering with vehicle operation. Conventional wisdom hasn't had a cat carrier bouncing and rolling on the seat or floor next to them as they drive, the cat inside in a panic because the WORLD is moving and they can't get out of this box to run away.

Out of the carriers they dash for hidey holes in the back of the car, and usually stay there until the moving stops. If they do overcome their fears and start roaming around, a few gestures and words are normally enough to keep them away from the pedals, steering wheel, and windshield. So far this hasn't gotten all of us killed. And with cats - my cats - that's saying something.

'Fraidy cat

Anyway, we made it to the vet's office alive and less frazzled than normal. The examination went surprisingly well; neither cat needed more of their teeth pulled out or other expensive procedures. There was a bit of worry when the vet, listening to P.'s heart, thought she detected a heart murmur. Further investigation suggested it wasn't actually a defect, though. Rather, the poor cat was terrified. He'd been reassured he wasn't going to be used as a religious sacrifice, lab animal, or entree; but being a cat he naturally assumed these were LIES and his goose was cooked. And that he would be, soon, too.

On the examination table his heart was beating so fast and hard, it sounded like he had heart problems. Once placed back in the relative safety of his carrier, though, he calmed enough for the vet, listening further with her stethoscope, to conclude he was just a very scared kitty. No need to do a CAT scan on the cat, at a cost of $300 plus dollars, to see what the problem was.

Which was fortunate for him, because it meant he didn't have to go out and get a job. As I explained to him. He of course ignored me again.

Then It Was C.'s Turn

Just to complicate things, though, C. turned out to have a yeast infection in the depths of each ear. This was easy to fix; or at least, that's what I was told. Just put a few drops of a topical antibiotic in his ears twice a day for a week, then wash his ears out once a week with a solution to make the interior acidic enough to prevent further infection. Both ears, BOTH cats, to prevent cross infection. Easy peasy. Sure.

Then each cat was given their annual distemper vaccine; this time, via nose drops, which was new for them. Already convinced he was doomed, P. accepted this final indignity with the submission of a martyr. C. went "The HECK you are!!!" and got factious to the point the vet and her assistant had to hold him still enough to get the drops in. After which he sneezed repeatedly.

The vet warned me both cats would probably have bouts of sneezing and runny noses for a few days. But this was better than injections. So, with admonitions to wash their ears, brush their teeth, and wipe their noses as needed (this is like having kids), I was given an expensive bill for services rendered (yes, JUST like having kids) and bottles of antibiotic and ear wash. Then we returned home.

There's No Place Like Home! Even with Cats!

The trip back was like the trip over; except that P., confused because he wasn't dead, hissed at C. a lot more and cowered even further under the back seat than ever. Meanwhile, since he'd been through these vet trips so often, C. apparently concluded that he was now safe and took to roaming about the car. He seemed especially fascinated by whatever it was that I was doing, sitting there, twisting and turning that wheel in front of me, moving my feet, whimpering about other drivers on the road. Naturally, he decided to investigate. Persistently.

We made it home, but with me rethinking my 'cats out of the carrier' policy, and C. having learned a few new words.


At home, over the next few days, in-between bouts of sneezing and cat nose wiping, I treated C.'s ears. This, of course, did not go well. "Why are you tormenting me?!?!?" he seemed to say as he tried to writhe out of my grasp during such sessions. "Is it retaliation for throwing up the hairball on your slippers? Knocking things over? Waking you up at 3:00 AM to feed me? I'm a cat, I'm SUPPOSED to do that!! Get that THING out of my ear!!!"

But persistence, gentleness, and the fact that I'm bigger than he is, with a more evolved brain and opposable thumbs, enabled me to get SOME of the medicine in his ears. Usually. By the end of the week, though, we were both thankful when the treatment came to an end.

And then it was time to start with the ear wash.

Wash. Rinse. DON'T Repeat.

C. took this as more of the same. I had learned to put a jacket on before attempting to treat him. Not because he would scratch and bite, but because he'd decided the best way to escape was to try to climb up my torso to the top of my head and leap off. As I had different views on the appropriateness of this, we tended to struggle a lot; hence, the protection of the jacket. Usually, after several frantic moments of epic contorting, I got the wash into his ears, he promptly shook it out, and we both called it good.

When it came time for P.'s first ear wash treatment he initially grumblingly went along with it, supposing me to be going to do more of the teeth brushing that he hates. He has loosened up to the point of tolerating me gently doing this, as long as I'm quick and give him treats afterwards. And don't mind if he squirms like a snake as part of it. I'm sure he'd prefer I just do the treats, but is resigned to the brushing part, first.

And now, P. OBJECTS!

This was different. After the first squirt of the wash into his ear, P. gave me a single astonished look and then proved cats can fly. Or at least, move with great speed when startled. Fortunately experience has taught me to minister to my cats in the bathroom, with the door closed, so they can't get away. P. could go in a lot of different directions very quick, and did, but he couldn't go far. So when he finally came to a stop I picked him up and did the other ear.

This restarted the flight of the bumble-cat, so to speak. While he was still bouncing around the room I opened the bathroom door - because after all, the treatment was done - and he sprinted out and vanished into a backroom. I left him to stew back there, and he eventually came out of hiding. Cautious, in case I intended to do his ears again, and extremely confused by my actions. I'm sure C. and P. have compared notes and concluded I have gone completely insane. Which is much the same way I feel about them.

Conclusion. And Links.

And so we go merrily on. At least every other day I brush their teeth, and once a week I wash out their ears. Since they don't pay attention to the calendar the cats don't know which treatment they're about to get, so they keep getting surprised. Neither is getting used to having their ears washed, even though I'm lavish with the treats afterwards; in fact, if anything, they're fighting harder the more I do this.

I can hardly wait to see what the NEXT visit to the vet's brings.

MEDIA SOURCE: Mine, all mine. Photos AND cats!

The Origin of C. and P.!

C. and P. Strike Again!

More C. and P.!


Cats, Humor, Irittating Feline Behavior, Pets, Veterinarian

Meet the author

author avatar Jack Goblin
Was born. Haven't died yet. Don't intend to anytime soon.

Thank you much for reading my articles. I hope they brought you pleasure and enlightenment. :)

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author avatar Pollyal
9th Jun 2015 (#)

It seems they do keep you pretty busy :)

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author avatar Retired
10th Jun 2015 (#)

Funny and entertaining!

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