How to Spot Foreign Agents

kaylarStarred Page By kaylar, 11th Jan 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

How to spot members of foreign espionage agencies without difficulty

3rd World

When you live in a Third World Country which is not a particular hot spot at the moment, other countries use it as a kind of 'field trip' for the training of their 'secret' agents.

You don't need a degree in spycraft to discover that the majority of ex-pats are not there for their stated purpose but to sharpen their Secret Agent Skills.

The Central Intelligence Agency

The CIA is the 'Keystone Kop' of the Intelligence Community. If you can't tell a C.I.A. agent you need glasses, unless you are legally blind, then you need a hearing aid.

American spies might as well wear propeller beanies as they give themselves away by breathing. They are often found where they don't belong looking like someone who doesn't belong.

They are over alert, ask a lot of questions and are afraid of their own shadows.

Recently, the C.I.A. has been using 'deportees'. These are people who, for one reason of the other have been kicked out of America/Canada/World and shipped back to their country of origin.

In many cases, in return for money the Deportee will become a de facto spy. The C.I.A gets to fulfill their 'equal opportunity' hiring practices, and keeps its own people safe. The Deportee should get a good look into society.

Sure, sometimes the guy isn't a deportee, he's a Yank whose gotten some of the lingo and is using someone else's papers.

Other times, he's a local who'lll bobble around, deployed in certain places which are a bit dangerous.

The give aways is that he know names, places, when most locals don't.

For example, in Jamaica, everyone seems to have a nickname or a 'school name' or whatever. I've known 'Redhead' for years; I don't know his real name. I've been to Forge's house, I don't know the name of the road his house is on..

My 'deportee' will know.

He'll know everything, and he'll ask those kinds of questions that 'normal people' won't.

The Brits

The British tend to go for 'high end' spying. You won't see them in the ghettos playing deportees as you will with the Yanks. They'll be seen at the more formal functions, befriending those of their class.

They are highly educated. And they know details.

They tend to 'teach' courses or be involved in NGOs which are useful to their purpose. They are cautious and are so afraid of being 'made' that at the first hint that their 'cover' might be blown, disappear.

Mossad

The majority of Mossad are married, or seem to be. This is to explain why their wives have to call them every hour on the hour.

You can't have lunch with a Mossad agent who doesn't receive at least two calls from his 'wife' during the meal.

The Mossad have a very tight budget. If he buys lunch he has to get a receipt.

The Russians

The need to impress is foremost in their minds.
They speak very good English and know everything. You want to bust their cover bring up some intricate political situation that happened a few years ago and you can write a book on what comes out of their mouths.

Most of them drink to excess, so if you're taking them out to eat, make it an ice cream parlour.

Other Agencies

They want to know too much about you, about people you know, about politicians, about everything. Who would be interested to know that Portmore used to be a swamp? They really aren't, just practicing their ability to gain information.

They are not allowed to go to certain locales in your country...i.e. the slums or certain out of the way places. Hence though they claim to be interested in your music, for example, they can only go to certified stage shows at 'safe' venues, not to a 'session' in a local neighborhood.

Playing with them

It's lots of fun to play with foreign agents. You can act as if you're imparting state secrets by dropping your voice when you 'reveal' nothing much and see them nearly fall over trying to eavesdrop.

You can toss a small fire cracker ten feet from them to watch them duck and reach for their weapon, or have palpitations if they aren't armed.

You can freak them out by spying on them.

In fact, if you live in a Third World Nation it is imperative you 'make' them so you know before anything happens that something will happen, and by who and where and when can get a pretty good idea of what comes next.

Those exciting spies you see on television are less real than Ferangi. In real life they aren't nearly as glamorous. Sometimes they are the last to know what's happening.

Tags

Agents, Cia, Kgb, Mossad, Spy, Spying, Third World

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author avatar kaylar
I am passionate about history, culture, current events, science and law

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