How To WIN At Life...

WordsFromTheWiseStarred Page By WordsFromTheWise, 17th May 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/800d7tux/
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

Tips on how to succeed and live a happy life.
Warning - may contain dark humour...

Intro

Every day we face different challenges and problems that life throws at us... Using past experience and simple logic, I will now attempt to compile a comprehensive list of ways to ovecome these problems and get the most out of life.

C**ts


The most common problem we have to deal with on a daily basis is... Yep, you guessed it - Cunts.
Humans have an inane susceptibility to becoming self-centred, conceited and obnoxious. Now, in moderation, these qualities can have a positive influence - but when mixed and used in high volumes they have a detrimental effect.
I once tried skiing after taking a cocktail of LSD, whiskey & cocaine and it didn't work. In fact, I didn't even make it past the first wave of luminous, gun-toting Centaurs...

There is a moral in there somewhere!?

Anyway, how do we deal with these people?? One thing that is needed is a good selection of acerbic put-downs and comebacks. You have to sink to their level in order to come out on top...

Alternatively, if you can't join 'em - beat 'em.

If you don't already, you should always carry an easily-constructed makeshift weapon that can be used to beat the fuck out of a cunt should he get the better of you in a war of words. Obviously, in extenuating circumstances - such as having laryngitis and being unable to speak - we should revert to this plan immediately.
After someone targets you with a verbal barrage of abuse, there is no bigger satisfaction than watching him hit the ground as a result of you cracking him round the back of the head with a condom full of pebbles.
Which leads me to my next point...

The best things in life are free (And most carry the possibility of a custodial sentence)



The monetary value of material goods does not matter!! A lot of experiences are free and, in my eyes, the acquisition of experiences is the reason for living.

Try everything once!!

Some of the greatest experiences in life are things we were originally apprehensive about - like, my girlfriend really enjoys it when I give her rohypnol and have rough sex with her while she's unconscious.
At least, I think she does!? We haven't really talked about it, she's been uncharacteristically shy and withdrawn lately...

But yeah anyway, when an opportunity arises - take it!! Push yourself to the limit - leave the safety zone. Adenaline feels amazing!!

I've recently become addicted to finding unattended bags in airports and putting them under my bed. The thrill is insane!!
It comes a close second to finding unattended hookers in dark places and putting them under my patio. But that's a story for another day.

Love


The most important thing in life is love. It is essential.

I for one love everything! Objects, people, places - it doesn't matter.
Granted I've just done 3 grams of MDMA, so it might be synthetic love, but I feel the point is still valid. If you're loved, it makes inevitable future hardships easier to bare. (Well ,that's what we were told at boyscouts.)
They say a good measure of a life is the amount of people at you're funeral (So my scoutmaster might have been a really nice bloke, but I don't think it counts if everyone just shows up to make sure you are actually dead.) Just make sure you find the people worth loving and keep them close. Remember - people will betray you at points, so the more people you leave yourself open to the higher the chance of being stabbed in the back...

One rule I stick to is - Trust no one

Trust is broken easily and this causes upset and hurt. The only things you can really trust are the concepts of failure and regret - as they rarely let you down.

Happiness


The best way to enjoy life is to forget the bad bits and live for the good. If you're ever feeling depressed, you need to know how to cheer yourself up. I have a lot of good ways to combat the blues - although some I can't divulge.
One thing that makes me happy is dropping a week's supply of valium and going to the park, to feed bread to homeless people as if they are ducks...
Or, I like to drop a week's supply of valium and go around collecting shards of hope in a wicker basket.
Or, if the above don't work, I like to drop a week's supply of valium and write letters of discontent to the Sealife centre before posting them to myself.

Basically I am saying that once you've dropped a week's supply of valium - anything will cheer you up!! (Apart from realising you're out of valium)

Anyway, just keep yourself happy and fight throught the sad times!!
If you're sad and don't know how to cope - just remember these words of inspiration that were passed to me:-

'Eventually God will snatch you from the Earth and deliver you to the raging inferno of eternal damnation we call Hell - so stop whining like a little bitch and go and have some fun you useless cunt.'

Oh I miss my Dad... I'll never forget that 6th birthday.

Tags

Guides, Humour, Life, Life Experience, Life Lessons, Lifes Possibilities

Meet the author

author avatar WordsFromTheWise
Self-professed philosopher and hopeful comedian. There is a lot to come from me in the near future so watch this space!!

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Comments

author avatar Montezumola
18th May 2011 (#)

Quality piece of tongue-in-cheek writing - love it!

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author avatar Markmywords
18th May 2011 (#)

I loved the drug based analogys I always find myself in times of need thinking what would Pete Doherty do? You normally won't go wrong lol

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author avatar WordsFromTheWise
18th May 2011 (#)

Thanks guys :D
Haha good point!! You cant go wrong with that. Apparently not even if you hold a drug-fuelled party that culminates in someone plunging to their death from a 3rd floor balcony...

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author avatar scofield8712
18th May 2011 (#)

I am a 30 yars old lawyer, charming and good-kinded. Now I am seeking a good older woman who can give me pure love. So I got a username 007chris on ===Triple W. age date 。 see 0 ^^===. It’s an amazing website since most of the member are serious and real. Please reply me there if you are interested.

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author avatar Markmywords
18th May 2011 (#)

Scofield I am quiet sure this is not a dating website no wonder ur single if this is where u try and pick up women.

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author avatar deepa venkitesh
21st May 2011 (#)

observations!

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author avatar Adam Tapley
14th Jun 2011 (#)

Hahahaha! I think it only gets funnier when you know what the analogies feel like.

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