HUMOR: C. and P. and the GREAT ESCAPE!!

Jack GoblinStarred Page By Jack Goblin, 6th Nov 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

During the summer my cats finally managed to do something they've wanted to since they came to live with me: Get out of the house and act like WILD ANIMALS! At least until they got hungry...

A Tale of Two Kitties!

It was when I woke up one summer morning alone in bed, at a reasonable hour, that I got the first hint that something was wrong. My two cats, C. and P. (to continue to abbreviate their names, just because) usually don't allow that. C. insists on sleeping with me - sometimes ON me - summer or winter. Usually hogging the center, or pining me down by laying on the blankets in such a way that moving is difficult. This might be manly bonding; more likely he's a cold kitty and after my body heat.

P, the Cat

P. tends to eschew such intimacy (except during the winter, when he goes for the warmth, too) and often finds somewhere else to sleep at night. But early in the morning - EARLY in the morning, around 3:00 AM - he usually decides it's time for me to get up and do what's important: Feed him.

He expresses this view by poking at my face, jumping on me, or sharpening his claws loudly on objects in the room or near my head, like the headboard. He has learned this gets me up. He hasn't learned it gets me up to grab him and toss him out in the garage, after which I go back to bed while he cools his heels out there. Maybe he thinks that's part of the process of feeding. Maybe he doesn't think at all.

Dancing With Cats; Not the Same as Cat Dancing

So waking up normally and without companionship was... odd. Odder still was when I was able to get to the bathroom without having to dodge around cats; something that, with a full bladder and an urgent need for relief, is not exactly an enjoyable participant sport.

Normally within seconds of my feet hitting the floor I am the center of a swirling mass of cats - which is pretty good for just two felines - who demand I feed them, pet them, attend to their desires, and most of all, not step on them even as they virtually throw themselves underfoot. I have explained to them - sometimes at the top of my lungs - that they shouldn't insist on getting in front of me and then stopping without warning unless they want to kill us ALL. Being cats, of course, they ignore this until foot accidentally comes down on tail.

Cats And Food

In this case though, I made the trek to the bathroom alone. Also fortunately in time. It was after this, though, when I went to start breakfast and still no cats, that I knew something was up. Food will bring cats at a run from great distances and out of hiding. The gravitational pull of a Black Hole is as nothing compared to the attraction of food to cats. When C. & P. didn't appear at the opening of the refrigerator door, I went looking for them.

And found a basement window with a hole in the screen.

Windows Not From Microsoft

The windows in my basement are horizontal sliders, glass panes in steel frames that move left-right instead of up-down. On the interior they're high up and set deep in the walls. On the outside, they're a few inches above the ground. The cats have discovered they can climb furniture to get into the windows, lie on the sills, and stare out at the world at ground level, seeing things like birds walking by mere feet away. Which tends to cause them to hyperventilate, and dream of mayhem. It's a cat entertainment center.

Most of the year the windows are shut. During the summer, though, for ventilation they're opened at night. There's a screen on the windows to keep bugs out and cats in; they're indoor cats, after all, never permitted to go out, as outside cats are often short lived cats. As I am learned in the ways of cat, however, I do not trust in only the screen, but use STEEL BARS. Well, actually, cooling racks. Tied together and wedged in the window, and the sliding panel slid back to hold the racks in place, they are effective barriers to the worst my cats can throw at them.


When Cats Do Bad Things

This time, I discovered that one of the cats - almost certainly P. - had figured out he could slide the window panel back open, which freed one end of the racks. He could then pull that one end out, leaving nothing between him and freedom but a flimsy plastic mesh screen. And he with claws capable of scratching through plastic. It must have taken several hours of work, but he'd managed to get out.

My cats have too much time on their hands. I need to get them to take up knitting, or playing video games.

The Cat Came Back, The Very Same Day...

Seeing the hole, I said "Oh POO!" Or words somewhat to that effect. After a moment's thought I removed the useless rack. Then slid the window shut to keep out bugs and worse things that might have wanted to come in. Afterwards, trying not to think of cars, and dogs, and spilled anti-freeze, and other things that are why outdoor cats are often short lived cats, I hot-footed it back upstairs to the door.

Out the door and over by the basement window, I saw nothing. In the dawn's early light I made a quick circuit of the house, looking in all directions for signs of cat; and still seeing nothing. I turned the last corner to get back to the basement window... and there in front of it, calmly cleaning a paw, was P., who had materialized out of nowhere.

One Down, One to Go!

As I hustled towards him as fast as slippers and robe would permit, he looked up at me with a mixture of irritation ("Where have YOU been?"), apprehension ("Am I in trouble?"), triumph ("Haw! Can't keep ME locked up forever!") and possible affection, all together. Or maybe he had gas. I scooped him up, made sure he still had the requisite number of legs, ears, and tail, then carted him inside to safety. Him protesting all the way.

Inside, I set him down, then began trying to figure out where C. was. Before going outside again I decided to take one more look around inside. C. is a rather chubby kitty and I wasn't sure he'd have been able to slip out of a hole made by his thinner brother. He might have tried, failed, and hidden because he suspected P. was going to be in trouble for breaking the rules, and he didn't want to be blamed.

And Now, C. the Cat

To start my search I went into the room containing the escape window; and looking in through that window from the outside was C. He HAD managed to squeeze through the hole in the screen to get out, and now was trying to get back in. But with the glass shut, couldn't do it. He had a puzzled "This is not working, why is this not working?" expression on his face as a result.

Back outside to grab another cat, check for injuries, and then inside with cat in arms. Reunited, the cats sniffed each other a moment to make sure each was who they seemed to be, then demanded I feed them.

Food and Cats

I suggested a bit of contrition, remorse, even a promise not to do this again. They of course ignored all that and continued to demand food, flopping down and rolling side to side on their backs. Which is their "Feed us NOW!" behavior.

So easing my way around the flailing tails and paws, I scooped some kibble out of the bag and put it in their bowls. They attacked it immediately, ravenous after their adventure. While they were doing this, and distracted, I went and removed all the cooling racks from the other basement windows and slid them shut so the cats couldn't get out again.

Then I went and cut some thin dowels to lengths slightly shorter than the tracks of the windows, dropped them in those tracks, and slid the windows back open the inch or so the dowels allowed. Too thin for a cat to get out of, and not as good for ventilation purposes as a fully open window, but better than nothing. And, until the dowels were removed - a feat beyond even a cat, I hoped - the windows could not be opened further.

And Everything's Back to as Normal as It Gets Around Here

After eating, the cats had a refreshing nap of much of the rest of the day. Apparently being on the loose is exhausting. When they got up they of course went to the window to try to get out again... and found they couldn't. They spent the next few days pulling on and scratching at the various windows, trying to figure out why they wouldn't open anymore, and how to get back outside. Now they've reached the point where they just stare wistfully at the outside world, their expressions as good as saying "All we want is to be able to poop outside again!"

And I had a screen to repair.

Media Source: All my own kitties.

Links to other articles on my felines:

The Origin of C. and P.
The Further Adventures of C. and P.
C. and P. Strike Again!
C. Goes to the Dentist
Now, P. Goes to the Dentist
C., P., and I ALL go to the Vet!


Cats, Humor, Irritating Feline Behavior, Jack Goblin, Pets

Meet the author

author avatar Jack Goblin
Was born. Haven't died yet. Don't intend to anytime soon.

Thank you much for reading my articles. I hope they brought you pleasure and enlightenment. :)

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
10th Nov 2015 (#)

Interesting post!

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author avatar Retired
11th Nov 2015 (#)

Good one!

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author avatar SaigonDeManila
29th Dec 2015 (#)

I find genuine pleasure really readng your very informative article. Hope to see more of your post this comng year 2016. By the way you deserve the shining. Spledid, glitzy STAR badge! Meoow!

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author avatar Mariah
22nd Jan 2016 (#)

Let the mayhem commence once more, long live P and C

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