Great Great uncle Albert, a true story

Glenn Merrilees By Glenn Merrilees, 6th Nov 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

this was written for a family legends competition, my family was pretty ordinary so i created this character.


my great great uncle albert
he used to hunt for whales
way back many moons ago
he told some right tall tales.

him and two small fallas
just bobbin' on the sea
pulled the whales in, pure brute strength
he was forever telling me.

he'd open all those whales up
with a knife six inch in length
it's not about the blade son
it's all about your strength.

he'd salt them on his washing line
a fact he swore was true
but did he stretch the truth a bit?
i'll leave that up to you.

he used to fight the dinosaurs
when he was just a lad
that's how they're all extinct now
yes our albert did not bad.

he went and built the pyramids
architecture was his pride
but he forgot to put the windows in
so you couldn't see outside.

he had a pal called noah
they'd play football in the park
then he went and got a job with him
and they built this muckle ark.

they started saving animals
preferably in two's
they built themselves a massive set
mostly pilfered from the zoos.

then it started bleedin' raining
for forty days and nights
the corner shop got flooded
and it grounded lots of flights.

he built this wall in china
you can see from outer space
the chinese all felt safer
kept the mongols in their place.

one day he thought, gunpowder
long before the great chinese
first explosion in his kitchen though
blew off both his knees.

he said this will not get me down
though of course it did a bit
three inches off his kneecaps now
and of course he's got to sit.

the great great fire of london
it was him just making toast
it set the house on fire
and loads of lives were loast.

he said it was a good thing though
though he was rather vague
saved many tens of thousands
killed off bubonic plague.

those rats they had a killer flea
well so it did transpire
he wiped out many millions
just by setting toast on fire.

he went to meet king henry
but arrived there far too late
instead of meeting henry one
met henry number eight.

so he became an executioner
anne boleyn she lost her heed
i was only doing my job son
that's my only evil deed.

the guy that wrote that "greensleeves"
said thanks for stopping hassle
so he gave to him some golden coins
and a great big lovely castle.

after that he found america
australia, asia, too
he put the "in" in inca
and was the landlord of peru.

he was only fourteen years of age
when he fought in world war one
he killed a hundred germans
with two bullets and one gun.

penicillin was another thing
he created in some mugs
doctors use it worldwide now
to fight off killer bugs.

he went and built the forth rail bridge
he done it in a day
just a hammer and some copper nails
to keep the rust away.

saved amsterdam from flooding
while out there with some chums
saw two holes appearing
so he stopped them with his thumbs.

electricity there's another thing
he swore he did invent
came up with that idea
when lightening struck his tent.

world war two rejoined the army
wore his medals with great pride
was an upset for the family though
as they were from the other side.

another tale he told me
swore that this was not a lie
two days after being demobbed
he was asked to be a spy.

m.i.5. or m.i.6
i really can't recall
took care of all those communists
brought down the berlin wall.

the man invented plastic
to save the world from tears
no more painting cast iron pipes
this stuff will last for years.

one day he swam the channel
to france and then straight back
all to save a tenner
that he'd bet with uncle jack.

one day he went and climbed the alps
forgot to take his rope
way up on that mountain top
that's where he met the pope.

did you ever meet the queen? i asked
son i fine well mind the day
not just at her wedding
it was me gave her away.

climbed ben nevis lots of times
half an hour was his best
took him shy of four long hours
to climb mount everest.

he used to take the ferry
and he always wondered why?
i'm only on this for two minutes
so he built the bridge to skye.

height problems with the waterways
so he signed this mega deal
he got himself some concrete
and he built the Falkirk wheel.

he went and built two horses heads
him and his friend felix
they placed them on the forth and clyde
and called the project helix.

i remember through my lifetime
some claims they were absurd
in awe i'd stand and stare at him
and i'd hang on every word.


Funny, Humor, Humorous, Humorous Fable, Humorous Fairy Tale, Humorous Guy Story, Humorous Stories, Humour

Meet the author

author avatar Glenn Merrilees
I'm a 48 year old scotsman and a mental health awareness activist. I'm also a multi- award winning multi- published (NOT self published) poet. i have read my work at conferences all over Scotland,

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
7th Nov 2013 (#)

Interesting tale - everyone will be be keen to hang on to every word of his! Humorous and entertaining share - siva

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
10th Nov 2013 (#)

Nice work and humorous as well!

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