Fartbook

Rocket Raja By Rocket Raja, 29th Jun 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

1. I do not have a life.
2. I am an addict.
3. I use Facebook.

The golden rule of Facebook dictates that according to any living being, all three statements turn out to be either true or false. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but read on. Learn these lessons, and your perspective of Facebook is going to turn upside down. You will know what to look for, what to laugh at and who to stay away from!

The first lesson is Nothing.

Facebook is a social networking site meant for:

Noticing what other people do. (They are just as pointless as you are)
Ogling at pics of cute girls. (Or so they seem, I’ll come back to that later.)
Trolling!
Hugs and kisses through wall posts. (Eg: Eeeeee. Iloveyousomuchhhhh. :* :* :*)
Infinite gaming requests for the Shitvilles.
Noticing other people, again. (You do realise how pointless it is now, right?)
Geez. You still haven’t a clue about what I’m trying to say, do you? (*facepalm*)

But for those who grew up Facebook-ing, Facebook is Legen… Wait for it.

For the smartasses who figured it out, yes, Facebook is effectively meant for NOTHING. The twenty-first century gave birth to restless teens that had no idea what to do with their time, so God created Zuckerberg. With Zuckerberg came Facebook. And with Facebook came a truckload of crap. If The Wall wasn’t enough to crap on, it was fine-tuned into an all-encompassing Timeline – again an endless scroll of crap recording events since the day you were born. Crap, crap and more crap.

The diggers and the posers.

Some of the greater beings amongst us managed to dig out gems buried underneath mounds of crap - commonly, pictures of cute girls. (Actually I would put it as cute pictures of common girls, but anyway.) For girls, photoshop is second only to God. (As I type this, I’m already fantasizing about hot atheist girls, but moving on.) Since the last 64728329 years, looking cute was a matter of how your DNA chose to intertwine, but today, photo-editors call the shots. They are responsible for how effectively your pimples are smudged, how bright your face looks, how you manage to look more beautiful than people around you.

The Girl Gods

Girls are usually endowed with a better sense of editing than guys.(Now the photoshop pioneers, dont pounce on me. I was just being fair to them.) The benefits of editing are mammoth. Some of my girl friends have been greatly and regularly satisfied by guys because they edited their pics. Wait, by satisfaction, I was referring to satisfying their hunger. Oh boy, that doesn't sound right as well. They got their stomachs filled. With food of course, what else? God. I'm no good at writing subtly, am I?

Cute chicks ( :* :P :D <3 >:D< )

Profile pictures of cute girls are marked by 40-50 likes on an average, have stark photo edits, are touted to be ‘candid’, have totally unrelated captions about happiness and sorrows, smiles and frowns. Frankly, people don’t give a damn as long as the pic is good (which is usually the case, thankfully.) They almost always feature puppies or kittens. Usage of giant sized, coloured cooling glasses is optional, but is widely advocated because it hides sunken eyes and dark circles, thereby increasing the like count by 10 or more. But for the lasses with natural beauty, even a grainy picture from a webcam would do the trick.

Da Cool Doods ( :-/ :-| B| o_O )

Profile pictures of cool boys are characterized by dark shades with deliberate dimness. The sole aim of photoshop-ing is to dim the picture. They feel it increases the mystery and the X-factor (God knows what) and the mass appeal of the pic. Hence, coolers (preferably Ray-Ban) and facial hair (mostly goatee) become automatically mandatory. Guitars, computer games and cricket stadiums feature in most of their pics, where they pose with funky hand gestures. Holding beer bottles on beach shores with the setting sun eclipsed by your head, smoking-cigarette-close-ups require lots of guts, but it fetches loads of likes nevertheless. For the boys-next-door, a simple click with a flashing smile, or a good ol’ Black N White from a DSLR would take care of likes.

DSLR - The magic maama.

But wait. If you are craving for a DP, grab a DSLR camera right now. Everything is taken care of if the camera is a DSLR. No edits, no coolers, no puppies or kittens, no captions, no beer, no beaches, no cigars and absolutely no guts required. A decent face with a DSLR fetches a minimum of hundred likes, guaranteed.

PDA - A girl's best friend

It is possible for girls to survive in a dark room for a week without oxygen, but not a day passes without PDA. According to a website, Public Display of Affection is a rampant syndrome that predominantly affects young female facebook-ing humans under the age of 20. It is marked by a compulsive urge to announce to the world their affection, by showering other girls with kisses (:*), hugs (>:D<), loveyou’s and missyou’s. Also, girls are the only known living beings known to display a completely contrasting behaviour in person, compared to online behaviour.

The Geeks, The Emos, The Hardcores.

On the other hand, there are three species of guys on Facebook. The geeks, the emo’s, the hardcore’s. For the geeks, more than the status, it is the ’12 hours ago via iPhone’ that matters. The emo's are more bothered about their image on Facebook, with ‘ohsosweet’ comments and likes on most girls’ pics and posts. The hardcores’ are the most agile species. They act like grown up men (though they are no different from the geeks and emos.) They never fail to punctuate their sentences, so that they look grown up. They minimize the usage of smileys and pride themselves on snubbing the geeks and emos. They have seemingly mature interests and manage to maintain cordial relations with girls, geeks and emos. The geeks and the emos usually try as far as possible not to annoy them.





…..dary. Legendary! Jokes apart, there are two persons that the present crop owes its teenage years to - J.K.Rowling and Mark Zuckerberg. I do not know whether to thank or curse them for pushing us from 13 to 19 in lightning speed, but here’s to Fartbook –The crappiest place that we’ve preferred staying for over half a decade now.

Tags

Dslr, Emo, Facebook, Funny, Geek, Girls, Hardcore, Humour, Nothing, Offbeat, Pda, Waste

Meet the author

author avatar Rocket Raja
A teenager with a wandering mind, restless fingers and loads of time. Hoping to do a good job.

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Comments

author avatar Anahita
3rd Jul 2012 (#)

I read this, and ALL I could think after every sentence was "Ohmigosh that's so true". Brilliant!

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