Driving School - How to avoid being killed by idiots or complete tedium!!

WordsFromTheWise By WordsFromTheWise, 27th May 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

GOD'S GIFT!! A must read for any road users!!! TOP SAFETY TIPS AND WAYS TO AVOID TROUBLE!!
*** (Contains flippancy and may not actually help)

Intro


On today’s roads there are various types of drivers. Here I will try to explain their basic character traits and help you to differentiate between them so that you can stay safe...

The Boy Racer


The Boy Racer – This type of driver is dotted around everywhere, generally wearing a baseball cap whilst driving and blasting out some sort of wank music. They are aggressive on the road and even aggressive when sat in McDonalds car park with the rest of their ridiculously ignorant group of spoilt teenage oxygen thieves. They have a demeanour of cockiness about them in general and they tend to wear fucking stupid clothes – probably to rebel against their parents, by whom they were home-schooled and more than likely abused.

The best way to avoid a boy racer on the road is to head down to an industrial estate at night with a high powered, semi-automatic rifle and a net – you could probably get about 30 of the bastards on a good day!!

Alternatively – you can ask Ford to stop making Fiestas, Fiat to stop making Puntos, Renault to stop making Clios - and Middle-class white folk to stop making abrasive little shits and buying them cars!!

To be honest, you could probably just try and avoid these drivers and natural selection will run its course and eventually faze them out.

The Elderley Gentleman


The Elderly Gentleman – If you’re ever at a roundabout stuck behind someone who refuses to go, even if its clear – it will probably be an old man. They tend to drive stupid little hatchbacks that have as much acceleration as Stephen Hawking on an escalator and they have as much road sense as a retarded badger. They generally drive slowly – probably because they’re busy thinking of tweed jackets and tinned beans - so It might be best to go a different way if you see this type of driver.
You can overtake them if you feel brave enough but that is a definite NO if you drive a German or Japanese car – they may see this as a sign of disrespect and release years of pent up anger and hatred for foreigners against you right there and then!! This often ends badly.

Dependant on the severity of winter this year – these drivers could decrease in number quite rapidly.

The Man Racer


The Man Racer – This type of driver is normally a self-important 30something male with a fairly good car and a brightly coloured tie. I suppose you can give them a little sympathy, because nothing says midlife crisis quite like a Mercedes SLK and an Orange Dennis the Menace tie – but they are still c**ts.

The way to avoid this type of driver is to stop buying useless financial services from con men - so maybe they can't afford such high powered cars and homosexual neck attire. I believe this would solve some problems off the road as well but that’s an idea for another day.

The Driving Instructor


The Driving Instructor – If you see a driving instructor on his own in the car, don’t get too close!! They are often fat, perverse men on the lookout for naïve young girls to whom they want to teach the ‘Highway Code’. The code being – Keep your mouth shut and you’ll pass your test. They often regard themselves as being excellent drivers when, in fact, they are really just middle-aged college drop-outs who couldn’t get into darts.

Basically as long as you’re not wearing a mini-skirt – these drivers should not be an issue...

The Learner Driver

I dont need to go into detail with this - but just spare a thought to the poor person in the driving seat if the above is anything to go by.

Luckily, the big 'L' on the car gives sufficient warning of their presence.

The Businessman

Last but certainly not least is The Businessman - Normally found in a BMW 5/6 series or an Audi A4/5/6 they are forever talking on their mobile phones and changing lanes without looking. Maybe because they are busy in their job and cant spare any time - but more probably because they want to get home quickly to scare the next-door-neighbours teenage son off of their wife!!

They are generally quite angry people I think...

To avoid these drivers on the road, make sure you are with their wife between 3pm-6pm.

Summary


Ok, so to keep it short and sweet - If you buy a car and drive it on the road you WILL be killed (Or stalked) by either Idiots/War Veterans/Possible Homosexuals/Driving Instructors or Businessmen...

If you have read this and you are now too nervous to drive - neck a bottle of cognac first. It always works for me :)
Although... I think this is classed as my one phone call.

Tags

Cars, Driving, Driving A Car, Driving Instructor, Driving Safety Tips, Driving Test, Driving Tips, Road Safety, Roads

Meet the author

author avatar WordsFromTheWise
Self-professed philosopher and hopeful comedian. There is a lot to come from me in the near future so watch this space!!

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
28th May 2011 (#)

very funny, I enjoyed your look at driving.

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author avatar WordsFromTheWise
28th May 2011 (#)

Thanks Mark!! Check out my other pages if you enjoyed this :D Nice to get some feedback...

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author avatar Abioye Munashe
1st Jun 2011 (#)

thanks for sharing

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