Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Memba Ben By Memba Ben, 19th Nov 2017 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/76riq0ju/
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

Sometimes in life, your moral compass has to take a backseat to pragmatism.

Making the end justify the means.

Life is tough and there aren’t any indications that things will get any easier as statistics show unemployment is on the rise (in South Africa, unemployment is at 50.8% for people aged 18-35). With the economy on the slide, life is bound to get harder and that is going to force people to either tighten their purse strings or they are going to be forced to desperate lengths to earn a living.

Some people get so desperate to land decent jobs that they will lie about their abilities (or lack thereof) and while we might say they are taking food out of more deserving people’s mouths, everybody has a right to a decent living (although how they get one is another issue altogether).

If you have nothing to lose, what’s the worst that could happen?

Why not?

After all, it can be done if you can execute the following things to a tee:

Friends
Make sure you have friends who are capable liars. There is a high chance the people at the HR department will phone your listed reference (it is their job after all) and they can tell a fake a mile away. If you have friends that immediately sweat bullets when the heat is on, then they aren’t going to cut it for what you have in mind. This needs people who are quick on their feet, so that when they get ambushed by the HR reference call, they can compose themselves to carry the job out.

Documentation
Make sure your fake documentation is at least good enough to pass an eye test. Make sure your dates and facts add up on your CV; list your earlier mentioned friends as references and for the love of all things holy, proofread your resume to catch mistakes.

Preparation
You could manufacture the most authentic looking fake documents and have your friends conjure up the greatest tale ever but both those factors arguably pale in comparison to the interview. Many people have had great qualifications but still didn’t get the job due to them not acing the interview. Don’t try being a smartass and wing the damn thing, thinking that your personality will shine during improvisation. Sit down, google some interview tips and go there prepared to kill that shit.

Career Aspirations
If you are going to use fake documents to try and get a job, make sure you are applying for a low-level job as less questions are going to be asked. If you manage to get into the job, subtlety is your best friend. DO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. Work according to your coworker’s rate. Never try to go above and beyond but at the same time, don’t slack off.

However, that isn’t to say that your lie can’t/won’t catch up to you…

I knew a guy who decided to take such a risk. He got all the necessary paperwork together, molded his C.V to the exact specifications the job required, concocted an airtight story with his friends acting as references from his previous jobs, and aced the interview. A couple of days, he got the call confirming that he got the position and it seemed he was set for life.

He worked at said company for roughly five years and in those five years, he was THE model employee. First one to arrive, last to leave; work submitted in time, always courteous and polite. No one had a bad thing to say about him.

It had seemed he pulled it off. He faked it till he made it but unfortunately for him, things went downhill.

It just so happened that someone within middle management was vacating their position and obviously, the company needed the position to be filled. With this being one of those companies that place first preference to people already working for the company as opposed to hiring outsiders, they began looking within their ranks to find someone suitable to filling the vacancy and sure enough, my friends name went from being in the discussion to being the front runner.

My friend caught wind of this plan to hand him the promotion and reacted in the complete opposite manner from the way you would expect a person to when hearing such news.

He freaked out.

The poor guy worked so hard to prove himself that he ended up standing head and shoulders above his colleagues, which is the worst thing imaginable. As you probably know, with promotions; the company still needs to follow protocol and call up the place where you got your qualifications from and generally check back on your resume.

Many things had changed in those years and with my friend no longer being in contact with some of the guys who acted as his reference, coupled with the fact that he technically defrauded the company by lying about his qualifications probably meant that at the minimum, he’d be blacklisted by most employment agencies and be forced to pay back the money and at worst, he’d face some jail time.

All this lit a fire under his ass.

My friend knew that resigning under the circumstances would be suspicious and rejecting the promotion would be futile because they were gonna check up on his credentials in any case.

Drastic times called for drastic measures and while my friend might’ve hated unemployment, he knew that he’d at least have an opportunity to go back to the drawing board and work something up.

So, he decided to get himself fired.

Without drawing too much suspicion, within the span of a couple of months he began acting out of behavior. He began arriving late to work reeking of alcohol; slacked off on his work, took longer lunches than what was agreed upon and more importantly, became nasty to everyone turning what was once an ideal working environment into a warzone.

It didn’t take long before people began complaining and soon enough, he was hauled in for a disciplinary hearing to “review his actions”. My friend knew that while a disciplinary hearing was serious, given his history at the company; there was a chance they could hand him a slap on the wrist such as a warning, tell him to get his shit together and give him a second chance.

While that may stall his promotion hopes, they’d still find out the truth. He knew that he had to go out with a bang and from all accounts; he went out in a blaze of glory.

He allegedly pitched up to the hearing with the unmistakable smell of single malt whiskey on his breath and was slurring his words which certainly didn’t help his case but the drama began when the disciplinary committee read out his accusations and he decided to categorically deny them by resorting to name calling and branding everyone as “lying bastards”. He then went on to accuse everyone (including the DC) of trying to oust him because he was a threat; that the company should’ve been thankful that he raised their stock and that without him, the company would’ve been out of business.

It went as well as you’d expect but if I’m honest, I thought it was quite genius of him to play that situation like that and in the end, everybody got what they wanted out of it. The company got rid of the bad apple and he got to keep his secret AND he got a severance out of it. But while he lasted as possible, ultimately, his lie came back to haunt him.

My friend got off easy. Things could’ve turned out far worse for the guy but he used the experience to hustle a legit job.

The same might not work for you.

Make sure you know what you are doing before hustling “by anything necessary” because while you might win here and there; know that sooner or later, your luck will run out.

Tags

Humor, Humour, Job Hunting, Jobs, Lying, True Story

Meet the author

author avatar Memba Ben
Just want to thank you folks for taking the time to read my articles!

If you have the time, check my photos out on Instagram: ben_bold_ysp

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