Cougar MILF

Linda Quest By Linda Quest, 4th May 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

The rise of the Cougar lifestyle. It's not always intentional, But it is nearly always funny.

The new normal

Hello. I’m Linda, and I’m a Cougarholic. Just kidding, there is no 12 step program for the Cougar condition.
I don’t know why I keep dating men 10-15 years my junior. I also don’t why you young men keep dating cougars.
Is it because we make more money than your ex who works at Starbucks? Yes, we buy stuff for you because you’re cute.
Is it because we’ve gotten past certain self-esteem issues? We don’t ask you if this dress makes us look fat because we already know the answer to that question: we decidedly make the dress look fat. And we don’t care.
We’re still always right. You’re not getting out of that. We’re just nicer about it. We let you keep your balls.
Maybe the best thing about dating a cougar is… you can’t ruin her life. Some other jerk has already done that for you years ago.

Finally, I turned 50 and became a grandma. It was high time to wear shawls and bake cookies. Enough of this cougar silliness. I swore off younger men FOREVER…. To the relief of my children, and probably a lot of other people.
And then…surprise! I met the most wonderful man and it was love at first sight. I gathered my kids to tell them the good news. They had one question.
Kids: "How old is he Mom?"
Me: "You know, Emilio is really very nice. Did I mention he was born in Guatemala?"
Kids: "How OLD is he Mom?"
Me: "Well, now before I answer that, let me say that Emilio is very mature for his age…."
Kids, exasperated: "MOM!!!! HOW OLD IS HE????"
Me: "Twenty-seven."

Yes, my boyfriend is 25 years younger than I am. So I guess it’s cougar time again. I’d like to graduate to the title MILF. No? How about GILF?
Now, some of you may be gagging to yourselves. But there is nothing wrong with an 'intergenerational" couple.
Okay, maybe it’s a bit weird for my kids because they’re in their 30’s, and even they wouldn’t date somebody that young.
But I think they accept it. They keep offering to take Emilio to McDonalds for a Happy Meal.
See? We can joke about it, so it's okay! They even have a cute family nickname for Emilio: “mother f*cker”. Yes, it’s funny because it’s true.

Emilio had his birthday the other day. He’s a lot older now –28! I asked him “Baby, where do you want to go? Dinner? Theater? Ballet? He asked me to take him to a trampoline park. It was either that or Chuck E Cheese’s.
So we went to the trampoline park. Now, as a cougar-MILF trapped in a room full of trampolines, you have to choose: are you going to sit with the parents holding coats, thereby preserving your dignity but aligning yourself with the inactive generation? Or are you going to get out there and jump with your boyfriend ….and 90 other children? I got out there and jumped. Granny on a trampoline, everybody! It was terrifying. Would I have a heart attack? Was that 7-year old going to knock me over? Would I break a hip? Worst of all…would I spring a leak?
But I got through it, with minimal leakage (the trick is to take smaller jumps and keep your legs together). I endured the cold hard stares of judgment from the parents. That’s okay, you can judge me. You’re going home this afternoon to a houseful of screaming kids and I’m going home to birthday sex with my cougar cub.

So I have an important message to all the single ladies out there. If you still haven’t found the man of your dreams, don’t lose hope, dear. Maybe he just hasn’t been born yet.

Tags

Comedy, Cougar, Humor, Humour

Meet the author

author avatar Linda Quest
Born in the US, I lived in Europe for 28 years before returning home. Currently in Norfolk, Virginia. I teach, research and write about management, but use these pages for play!

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Comments

author avatar WOGIAM
4th May 2015 (#)

Ha ha, thanks for this article Linda, you go girl, live, laugh and love, you deserve to be happy and be with someone who cares for you.

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