Carb Solution

Zarathruster By Zarathruster, 13th Mar 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

A solution to the economic crisis in the US based on the over consumption of carbs and the resulting largesse of the public.

Carb Solution

Carb Solution

The United States is in bad shape. Record unemployment, hidden inflation and banker bailouts have left everyone's heads spinning. The idiot politicians keep promising and lying and everyone gets angrier by the minute. I have a solution. Eat more carbs. The exact opposite thing we are told by the so called 'experts'.

Carbs make people feel good and there has never been a time in history when people have felt worse yet the media have programmed us to think we should all be 20 lbs under weight. Diet soda's, Non alcoholic beer, diet chips, fat free ketchup- it's all a marketing ploy! Let people get a little bigger, who cares?! Let them be happy, we are in a depression for Christ sake! We need government programs to help people get a little bigger. Bakery business will go through the roof, creating jobs. Handicap accessibility will have to be more prevalent, creating more jobs..The resulting largesse will have to be accommodated! More work for seat belt makers,longer and sturdier belts! Bigger seats, hence more raw material utilized equals more employment and more mining of natural resources. Food production will go up thereby adding to the gross domestic product. Health and life insurance premiums will go up by at least 150%, further stimulating the economy. Wages will have to increase to make up for the extra time and effort making everything a little bigger, stronger and more durable.

We have been conditioned to think that if a woman does not look like an anorexic junkie, she is unworthy.Women especially have been conditioned to think this. We are bombarded with advertisements from weight watchers, Slim Fast and all manner of weight loss schemes. Young girls have low self esteem because of these unrealistic expectations. I say- let them be who they are-no need to try and be something you're not! By leaving people alone and letting them feel better about themselves, we all benefit by living in a happier, carefree society. Cosmetic surgery ? Who needs it! Put those over priced vultures out of work! Keep your money, put it to better use. This will increase the savings rate of Americans. Less mental stress in thinking you must reach unobtainable goals will result in more productivity at home and in the work place, further stimulating the economy.

The medical establishment will be able to charge less for services because there will be more people with problems to service! What they lack in quality will be made up in quantity! More diabetic cases, more eating disorders, more weight gain problems- all directly benefiting the medical industry. Doctors' business will go up exponentially, causing them to hire more staff, reduce their rates and expand their practices. These problems can be handled and the patients could get back to a healthier lifestyle- they are just doing their patriotic duty- gettin' large to help save their country! These fat asses will be hailed as Heroes! For it is from their over indulgence that we have stimulated the economy back to its former vibrant state! We will even create an organization for them- the NAFA- the National Association of Fat Asses! While they wallow in their whale like states, they will be seen as the modern day Paul Revere's, the post revolutionary Thomas Jefferson's of the new era, ushering in a big and bold life raft to an ailing economy and nation state. They will be revered at national events, shown off at the Superbowl and invited to state dinners. They will waddle and chortle all the way to national fame and recognition for the great sacrifice they have given us for our benefit!

All Hail the Large Ones! For they are the redeemers of our modern time, they are the ones that will save us through their over consumption and their additional mechanical and logistical support! Vehicles will need to be retro-fitted. More jobs. Commodities like flour, sugar, wheat, corn - will double and triple in amount needed- stimulating the markets. It will truly be a Carbo-lution! A revolution of carbs! The funeral business will skyrocket for the unfortunate few who give their life to the cause. At least they died happy! The over sized heroes will get a full state funeral, access to Arlington Cemetery, for helping their country in a time of war and their graves will have to be double sized - more labor, more employment. the names and pictures of The Large Ones will be in children's' text books and etched into the Washington Monument as true heroes who came to the aid of their country in our darkest hour- their sacrifice's will not go unnoticed - for they are the ones that used a stereotype to save a nation...


Carbs, Dieting, Weight Control, Weight Gain

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author avatar Zarathruster
Internationally Acclaimed Writer of Satire and Human Interest

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