Area 51. The final truth about it. The government will not tell you this

christopheranton By christopheranton, 19th Nov 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

What lies behind the fence at the Groom Lake facility in Nevada known as Area 51 has been the subject of many conspiracy theories since the nineteen forties.
In this article I am using very priviledged information to reveal the great secret that has been kept hidden for so many years.

The United States' biggest secret.

A lot has been written in recent years about Area 51. This is the name given to a military base situated in the United States state of Nevada about 83 miles from the city of Las Vegas. Due to the culture of secrecy that surrounds the base, and because of the faiure of successive United States governments to allow journalistic access to the area a large amount of conspiracy theories have been based on what the secret of Area 51 is. These have ranged from the belief that the remains of alien spacecraft are being held there to the idea that it is being used for the development of new types of military technology too secret to be revealed to the general public.

While many of these speculations have merit, the obsessive secrecy that surrounds the base undoubtedly encourage all types of suspicions, I can now reveal to you that they are all wrong. The real secret of Area 51 is something that none of you have ever considered. The real reason why the base is surrounded by security is to protect a secret so devastating that the revealing of it in all its horror would bring the edifice of United States governance crashing down, and the world would be faced with the sight of the features of the first black President of The United States turning crimson in acute embarrassment.

As President of The Ancient Society of Secret Historians I am privy to all the worlds secrets, and indeed I have already revealed a few things about history that have been kept hidden from the generality of humanity. I have decided that the time is now come to reveal the unvarnished truth behind Area 51. If it causes the collapse of Wall Street or results in the impeachment of Barack Obama so be it. The truth must out and that is the most important thing. Revealing this secret will undoubtedly put me in grave danger, but I am relying on you, my readers to raise a hue and cry on my behalf should I disappear into the deabts of some CIA operated dungeon. Or, at the very least, could someone feed my cat.

Anyway enough of this. The real secret of Area 51, and the true reason why it has been shrouded in mystery for so many years is that it is a very secure prison, and the prisoner held within it is The Cheshire Cat.

This may come as a surprise to many of you, but when I reveal all that I know as a secret historian everything will be made clear.

Most of you are familiar with the story of Alice in Wonderland. The account of how the little girl Alice fell down a rabbit hole, and the adventures that befell her then, and the accounts of all the wierd and funny characters that she encountered such as The Mad Hatter, The White Rabbit, the baby that turned into a pig, not to forget The King and Queen of Hearts, have enthralled generations ever since. The book ends with Alice waking up and concluding that the whole thing was just a dream. I can tell you that it was not.

The origin of the prisoner of Area 51

The author Lewis Caroll was the fifth President of The Ancient society of Secret Historians, and also a very talented regressive hypnotist. When the little girl, whose complete name was Alice Lidell, told him the story of the strange dream she had, he decided to put her into an hypnotic trance to test whether the story she told was a dream or not. The account that was revealed was somewhat different from the tale that eventually got published, and it was definitely no dream. Alice really did fall down a hole, but it was a rift in time and space, not a rabbit burrow. The creatures that she met there were members of an intergalactic troope of strolling players who were resting prior to a performance of "The Death of Zybiganiew" to be performed at the eighteenth Aldeberan drama festival. You may not have come across the play before. Dont worry if you have not seen it; it is just a typical melodrama with a predictable ending, when Zybiganiew,( A lovesick Grey) crashes his ship into a red dwarf star. It plays well in alien circles, but would never get put on here. We cant afford the sets.

The details of the story as written down, are essentially correct, and the characters are very much as described. "Theatricals" are the same in any era or dimension, so there is nothing to add there. Except for one particular individual that Alice met who stood out from the rest of them for the sheer bizarrness of his behaviour. This was the feline known as The Cheshire Cat. It is related in the story how he could vanish right down to his grin, and then even the grin could vanish. This really tickled Alice, and even Lewis Caroll could not offer a reasonable explanation for this unique talent. The cat, of course was a "Vanishing Shapeshifter". His younger brother was the "Pig Baby", although he had not perfected the vanishing part yet. These shapeshifters came from the Plaeides cluster. and had been with the theatrical company for many years. The cat could also travel in space and time.

How he got captured.

But, now that I have filled in some of the background, I am sure that you are dying to know how the connection with Area 51 came about. I am afraid we have to thank the late director of The FBI J Edgar Hoover for that.

Mr Hoover was for many years the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. So powerful and well informed was he that he was rumoured to know many secrets that top politicians in the United States wanted kept hidden. But the great director had a secret of his own. He liked to dress up in womens clothes. This he did not want revealed to the american public at any price.

One night, when he was posing in front of a full length mirror, in a full length ball gown, he got the feeling that he was being watched. He also heard behind him a little giggling. He whipt round and was confronted by an anomaly in the air of the room that was curiously reminiscent of a Feline Grin. Gradually this transformed itself until the surprised crossdresser found himself confronted by the site of a large stripy purple cat sitting on the top of his wardrobe laughing its head almost off. But J Edgar had not reached his lofty position without a certain ability to think on his feet,( or in this case on his stilletoes). He reached for a silk shawl that was on his bed and he straight away threw it over the impertinent cat. It is something known to very few that the only way to neutralise the powers of the Plaeides shapeshifters is to cover them with silk. Dont ask me how J Edgar Hoover knew that. He just did. I expect there are a lot of things the top echelons of the government machine know that are hidden from the rest of us. It helps them maintain their position I guess.

Even though the cat was immobilised it was not silent. It just kept babbling on, and it turned out that this was not the first time that it had invaded the private quarters of "The Great and The Good". The secrets that The Cheshire Cat could reveal about the intimate moments of everyone from President Truman down would have brought the american government to its knees. He was kept locked in the wardrobe of The Director of The FBI until after an emergency meeting of The Inner National Security Cabinet that was called the following day to discuss the national emergency.
He was , of course, kept from escaping by being wrapped tightly in the directorial shawl.

The decision that was come to was to set aside an area in the state of Nevada for the continuing incarceration of The Cheshire Cat. There is a special room lined with ten inches of silk. There he resides to this day. He is fed with the finest of Delicatessan Cat Food, and he has been told that he will be released if he reveals the secret of his amazing powers. This he has so far refused to do. The secret is passed from one President to his successor. On retiring from office each President must take a pill that wipes the knowledge of the secret from their memory. Each of the guards is posted for only six months and they are all administered a memory wipe at the end of their tour of duty. The only person, outside of myself of course, who knows the truth for more than six months is Barack Obama. Have you ever noticed how he grins so much as to light up a room almost. This talent he has learned from Video Conferences that he frequently conducts with his alien prisoner.

For more on the secret of Area 51 and more revelations about the adventures of The Cheshire Cat, his assistance to the United States Government, and his extraordinary relationship to Barack Obama read
More on Area 51.

Who really is Barack Obama.
The escape of Osama Bin Laden.


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Meet the author

author avatar christopheranton
Born in Ireland, but living in London since 1986, my main interests are reading, studying history, politics, and theology, and looking after the welfare of my cat. I like to write on a variety of subjects, make general observations on lifes dilemmas....(more)

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28th Dec 2010 (#)


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