A Stunning Gift Idea

TranquilpenStarred Page By Tranquilpen, 12th Apr 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Funny Stories

The new Pocket sized Tazer Stun Gun, a dazzling gift for your wife.
Last week my coleague from work had purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for her
birthday, this is his story:

A Pocket Full Of Volts

Burt starts his story: "Last weekend I saw something at Ninja weapons & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. It was my wife's birthday and I was looking for something useful for her. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her sufficient time to retreat to safety...??

A Zapped Microwave Oven

This Was HOT! I bought the device right there and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA rechargeable batteries into the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was totally disappointed, I soon dicovered however, that if I pushed the button and pressed the two metal prongs against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a huge blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

This was AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Jackie what those
burn spots are on the face of her microwave.

Was I Perhaps Wrong In My Reasoning?

Here I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that surely it couldn't be all that bad with only two tiny AAA batteries, right? As I sat there in my recliner, my cat Cinders was intently looking on (trusting little soul) while I was studying the directions and thinking that, what I really needed to do, was try this thing out on a flesh & blood living creature. I really have to admit, I thought of zapping Cinders (just for a moment) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet little kitten. But, if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect her life with against a mugger, I had to be sure that it would work as advertised. Was I wrong in thinking this?

No Bloody Way?

There I sat, dressed in a pair of shorts and a sweat shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, and the Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

* a one-second burst will shock and disorient your assailant;

* a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop around on the ground like a fish out of water.

* A burst for longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device which measures about 5"
long and less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two minute
AAA batteries); too cute perhaps to measure up to it's formiddable features, and
thinking to myself, 'no bloody way!'

The Cat Was Thinking: "Don't Do It Stupid!"

What happened next, almost defies description, but I'll try my best.

There I was sitting, completely alone, but for Cinders looking on, with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't you try it, stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a puny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY CRAP!. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...FFFf !!!

I'm pretty sure the Hulk ran in through the side door, yanked me up off the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my testicles, nowhere to be seen, both nipples on fire, and with my left arm tucked under my body in an impossible position, and spasms, jerking my legs around!
The cat was making spitting and meowing sounds which I had never heard before, as it clung to a picture rail hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting squashed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Conclusion:

"If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
Here is one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is fully discharged or becomes dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

. The recliner was lying on it's side and about 9 feet or so from where it originally was.
Cinders was flashing me an almost human set of teeth, I swear I heard him say the
word : "Stupid!"

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 80lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had messed in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was completely gone man

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my scorched hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife hasn't been able to stop laughing for days, about my ordeal, She
absolutely loves the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[b]i]If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


Other funny stories by Tranquilpen:

* Right Shot, Wrong Patient!


Voyage Of The Wobbling Duck


The Wrong Shake-Up!

Do you Know a funny story? Why not write about it on Wikinut and get paid royalties

Tags

Funny Stories, Funny Story, Jokes, Laughing, Laughter, Stun Gun, Tazer, Tazer Humor, Tranquilpen

Meet the author

author avatar Tranquilpen
As Andre' Hartslief, I strongly believe, that In life, there are no justified resentments.”We the old legends will become relics and fade away, while new giants emerge in our world of sobering truths.

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Comments

author avatar Steve Kinsman
13th Apr 2012 (#)

This article is as good as it gets. I loved it!

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author avatar Delicia Powers
13th Apr 2012 (#)

Oh my Tranquilpen that is one for the books...LOL...:0)

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author avatar Tranquilpen
13th Apr 2012 (#)

Hello Delicia, so good to "see" you dear friend, glad you liked it.

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author avatar Md Rezaul Karim
13th Apr 2012 (#)

Nice share and I liked the photos too. You guys humorous.
Thanks for sharing.

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author avatar Tranquilpen
13th Apr 2012 (#)

Hello Rez, glad you liked it . Thanks for reading

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author avatar Buzz
13th Apr 2012 (#)

LOL. Thanks for the laughs, my friend.:)

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author avatar Tranquilpen
13th Apr 2012 (#)

Your'e welcome Buzz. Thanks for reading.

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author avatar Retired
13th Apr 2012 (#)

LOL Fun star page....unique!

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author avatar Tranquilpen
13th Apr 2012 (#)

Thank you RDN.

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author avatar Val Mills
13th Apr 2012 (#)

You'll have to watch out for your wife now, she's looking for an opportunity to use it.

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author avatar Tranquilpen
13th Apr 2012 (#)

I'm Still quite intact, fortunately, it was some other poor guy. Thanks for reading Val.

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author avatar Glenn Addington
13th Apr 2012 (#)

I think there's a lesson here... , one that I'm sure you've learned. Please promise us all that you'll take better care of our friend from now on, and not try anything else of this nature. Love you in the Lord, Glenn

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author avatar Tranquilpen
14th Apr 2012 (#)

Thank you Glenn, will do Bless you too.

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author avatar Teila
14th Apr 2012 (#)

Fun read!!

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author avatar Tranquilpen
14th Apr 2012 (#)

Hi Teila, glad you found it fun to read.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
15th Apr 2012 (#)

Such diversity so well done and congrats on the deserved star page too...

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author avatar Maria Malone
19th Apr 2012 (#)

Tranquilpen, well done funny story!! so deserving of star page, congrats!

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author avatar Rathnashikamani
19th Apr 2012 (#)

Funny ideas!

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author avatar Tranquilpen
19th Apr 2012 (#)

Hello Rathna, when I saw the new wikinut moderators, I was expecting to see you among them as you do so much to promote the website and would have done a fine job of it. Perhaps next time around my friend, in the meantime, thanks for reading.

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author avatar Tini K
20th Apr 2012 (#)

I laughed out loud reading about your tazer experience. Hilarious!

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author avatar Tranquilpen
29th Apr 2012 (#)

Hello Tiny K, glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading.

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author avatar Retired
28th Apr 2012 (#)

My husband and I have not laughed so much in a long time. I really want one of those simple little toys!!! I must Tweet this one.

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author avatar Tranquilpen
29th Apr 2012 (#)

I am so glad you enjoyed this article and placing it on Twitter.

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