A Proclamation from Your Governing Body

Warm the World By Warm the World, 24th Jul 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1wqd25uj/
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

A fictitious and hopefully humorous Government proclamation on inclusive language.

On Gender-Neutral Language

A Proclamation from Your Governing Body

Recently we, your Governing Body, passed a law regarding inclusive language. The English language has certain difficulties regarding references to the sexes in its descriptions of various occupations, activities, and even mundane objects. In order to make every person feel special and included we have decided to remove all references to men from our literature. We apologize to men if this does not make them feel included. We feel an apology for past or current errors can do a great amount of good in healing old wounds. And apologies cost a lot less than health care for wound treatment. By issuing apologies we managed to keep your taxes low enough to be able to afford to print this proclamation, as well as all our other proclamations, on museum grade vellum paper because we realize the importance of preserving the declarations of your Governing Body. As part of the process of introducing gender-less language we have stopped calling ourselves a Government, as that has the word “men” hidden in it. We want to assure people that the committee which oversaw this important process was not dominated by “persons with testicles”. We feel “persons with testicles” is a more gender inclusive term than “men”.
In the spirit of this declaration, in all governing body proclamations henceforth, we would like to declare that the terms “Fisherman”or "Fishermen" will now be replaced by the terms "Fisher" or “Fishers”. We apologize for all the pollution that was allowed to be poured into the ocean and we apologize for the fact that there are no fish left to be caught, but we hope that by replacing the disagreeable terms Fisherman or Fishermen with Fishers we will rectify long standing grievances in the community.
Similarly, we will be replacing certain other words in all correspondence going forward. Mailmen will now be known as Letter Carriers. We apologize that you haven’t received your mail. We had to lay off several Letter Carriers in order to pay for committee proceedings. Policemen will now be known as Police Officers. We feel that “Officer” is a more appropriate description of their work now as we have tripled the amount of paperwork they must complete on the handling of every case in order to ensure proper documentation of events and they will spend most of their time in the office. We apologize for the riots that occurred in the last week as we had all officers in for training on the new computer system with which we will be tracking the paperwork. We also apologize for all the buildings that burned down as the Fire Workers were also called in for sensitivity training workshops. The committee felt that Fire Fighter was too violent a term. We wish to assure the Lawyers and Consultants that no changes to their designations or duties will be involved. The committee feels the terms Lawyer and Consultant are sufficiently neutral in their sexual indications as these two occupations tend to screw everybody equally.
After all the changes that have occurred in your country we are sure you will appreciate the fact that we no longer refer to any of the people who live here as men.
Sincerely, Your Governing Body.

Tags

Committee, Consultants, Fire Fighters, Firemen, Fishermen, Fishes, Government, Inclusive Language, Lawyers, Legislation, Letter Carriers, Mail, Mailmen, Men, Police

Meet the author

author avatar Warm the World
Lifelong afficiondo of alcoholism and drug addition and the people who indulge in those pastimes. Raised across the alley from a hotel bar, I have spent my entire life investigating such environments

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Comments

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
26th Jul 2013 (#)

Hopefully it will not create more confusion, semantics and nit-picking! - siva

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