Speed dating is basically the old fashioned version of online dating but you get forced to sit in front of people and you cant escape by pressing the red X in the corner...
I find it hard to pick up a date on a night out late at a club or bar, pub or spa, in fact its safe to say I am crap with girls. However luckily for me something has been created by society to solve this problem. Its basically a gathering point, meeting place, not quite a watering hole but its main goal is to create couples but too be honest its just stupid, its like a crap version of cupid.
Speed dating as implied by the name is quick, you put on a badge “my name is nick” and you sit in a seat in this cheep rented halls and hope a good looking girl with just fall into you life.
You have a number on your table which acts along with your label to identify you to the prying eyes of the hopeful girls also hoping a good looking male will not fail them in turning up tonight, well ladies if your looking for Mr right, I’m right here, this is the amount of confidence I wished I had adopted straight from my first entrance but in fact that fraudulent act of testosterone is probably the reason me and the other 19 guys are here, alone.
“Ding” is the sound of the bell which could be heaven or hell depending on who is sitting in front of you. This bell is rung in 5 minute intervals by a compare whose shite patter fills in the gap between small talk and chatter. I’ve never seen a man like this compare in my life, he’s like an old, greasy, overweight Bruce Foresyth, but his terrible puns and jokes are there to relax the blokes before the girls enter. “Nice to see you to see you…” alone, desperate, looking to you to find us a girl…”Nice”
So I sit nervous, compare myself to the other loners hoping their Bonners won’t be alone for long. I ponder and wonder if the numbers are in order of best looking, 1 being hot and 20 being definitely not. The guy at number one is a well built, gym going man with a tan, hair styled, nails filed, chizzled jaw with raw stubble, he’s defiantly my biggest competition of the day…Shit he’s seen me staring, now he’s he thinks I’m gay, judging what I’m wearing, a t shirt and jeans which I hope are clean, does my breath smell? Am I dressed well? Am I ugly? Am I fat? My hair? My face? My teeth? My hands? Oh man is that my B.O?…screw this I’m gonna go…
Focus nick, this starts in 5 minutes, the numbers have nothing to do with looks, age or weight, cause if they did why you would be a number eight…teen?
I plan how I will introduce myself, Hi I’m Nick and I’ve got a huge… personality, what I mean is I’ve got a big…maybe not. I decide to spend the time on good old chat up lines, something nice, or cheeky to break the ice…Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk past again…If you were a fast food chain you would be McGorgeous *point fingers*…after a second think, no wink…Did the sun come up, or did you just smile at me? After a trial I decide it might be worth wile being more direct…Fancy making a porno, we don’t have to video it…No, chat up lines don’t help…just be yourself.
Omg its time, in walk the girls in a line and each take their seats and leave the rest of it to fate. The first girl who sits down is called Sarah as written and placed on her chest, a sticker on her breasts, on the left one and from what I could see it’s exactly where her nipple would be. Not a great start, I’ve stared at her boobs for longer than I should. And now she’s noticed…I’m sorry, hi I’m Nick, Sarah was all rite, cute smile, liked to talk, we got on, it took me a while before I knew what was wrong…she stank. I don’t mean to be rude or crude but the rank smell filling up my nostrils like dank water in a well was coming from her mouth. I tried to be subtle and give her the hint, would you like some gum, a toothbrush, a mint. But she declined. Shit. I held my breath but breathed on the worst bit “Have you ever had, humus, honey and hot sauce, on pita bread” No… “Honestly, how horrendously horrible”…I didn’t know how to say I think its time we parted because every time you open your mouth it smells like McDonalds…just farted. Ding. Yes.
I have a sudden realization that my life needs more inspiration, because after the fifth time I had told my story about how I once bumped into someone in Peckham who I could have sworn was David Beckham I decided to spice up my past with lies, fill the girls eyes with surprise which at that time I didn’t realize would be my demise. That’s the trouble with lies, like germs or sperms, you let one slip and the rest just keep flowing. Oh my greatest moment? That’s a tough one, its probably the time I burst into a burning home to find a trapped child alone, crying, her eyes shining through the smoke and blaze, I climbed through the haze and saw her huddled in a corner, I picked her up onto my shoulders and had to break down a smoldering door to escape, she’s alive because of me, that’s the feeling I wake up to each day. Brave…no, I was just being me.
Harry Potter, of course I love the books, they are actually a fantastical version of my childhood, J.K rolling and I go way back, she was my babysitter she often calls and checks, asks about sets, wonders if I can recall all the days we spent together, asks is it ok if I include this part, can you help me write this part…royalties, oh yeah…every time someone says Harry Potter, I get 43p. True.
I don’t believe you. Ding.
Just be yourself
After lying to the next 3 girls I realized that maybe I was trying to hard so swapped tack ticks and resorted back to plain simple nick. The next lady to turn up was confident from the start “Hi my name is Joe-leane”, she stuck out a hand, a large hand, at this point I didn’t understand, she talked about her time working in a chapel when I realized her adams apple. Joe-lean was a Joe, and she-he had decided to give speed dating a go. I didn’t have the balls to ask if I was right in guessing she had balls, so I sat quiet wishing the time away, as she spoke of his holiday “Paragliding was great but the harness didn’t half chafe” “I’m sure” I said trying not to sound disgusting, Ding, oh what a shame.
The next girl sat down, her hair long and brown, her eyes full and glistening in the artificial light from the ceiling. She was stunning, gorgeous and I was about to make my move, when suddenly I felt a warm sharp feeling in my upper thigh, it felt like cupid let his arrow fly and it graced this moment with fairytale bliss, a feeling I would miss like the last rub of Aladdin’s lamp it suddenly struck me…cramp…I’m sorry, ouch, sore, this hasn’t happened before, could you just, help me stretch it out, I mean I , just …ding…shit.
It got to the end of the time and tonight just wasn’t mine, many people gone away with names and numbers, but not me. I’m alone again, feeling like I wasted the past hour, feeling a bit sour about my situation. When outside I met the Compare, “Get lucky?” he said, not tonight mate, can’t you tell by my state, no one wants a guy like me. He turned, his eyes glinted with wisdom, nothing is wrong he said, “Listen to me, don’t you worry, don’t get upset, there are loads of good dating sights all over the net!”