How NOT to make your mother-in-law love you!

By Melissa D. Ing, 5th Feb 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1kfxlyqv/
Posted in Wikinut>Humour>Off Beat

When a mother-in-law parks her feet in a newly wed's home, the results can be incredible!

Introduction
The beginning
Ma plants her feet
An ebay listing
A pulled listing and a visit from the press
Whatever happened to Ma?

Introduction

Relationship's between in-law's have provided fodder for comic articles forever. The relationship between the groom and his mother-in-law is often the subject of many jokes; I know having used them myself for comedy routines. While many people do enjoy good relationships with the in-law's, many find them a trial. Here's what happens when one fella wants some peace!

While the actual listing, the event and the location are all true and taken from a radio news report, the rest of the story is fiction.

The beginning

A young fella in England had only been married for about six months. The groom and his young bride, both in their early twenties, had married and began married life with a cat and dog in a small row house in northern England. Life was far from exceptional; he worked as an electrician, she worked in an office. Evenings were spent in the pub, and weekends at the market and community festivals with other young couples. Children weren't planned for yet, and the couple were deeply in love. All was going well until Myrtle, the bride's mother, showed up complete with suitcases.

The young bride we'll call ' Laura ' was not terribly alarmed. Hadn't Ma and Da had their tiff's over the thirty years? Surely it was just some mid life crisis, both parent's were in their mid fifties, Da was employed and functional, and never mean to homemaker Ma. Surely it would all blow over in a few days.

Johnny the groom was less optimistic. Had he not seen his father-in-law Malcolm, or Da' as he liked to be called, eyeing up the buxom bar maid at his wedding. In Johnny's opinion, Malcolm had always had the roving eye, and maybe this time it had roved too far.

Ma plants her feet

There was no tears from Ma, nor any explanations except a repeated, “Yer father's an old stick in the mud'. Whatever was going on, neither Myrtle nor Malcolm were moving on their stance and after a couple of weeks Johnny was getting desperate.

First off, Ma was ALWAYS in the bathroom. There had been uncomfortable moments when she had found him, pants around his ankles trying to read the Sunday paper in peace. Even more uncomfortable was when he found her starkers in the bathtub, complete with a head full of hair rollers. Suddenly locks on doors were called for, and amorous activity crawled to a snails pace. After all, the two small bedrooms were side by each.

Laura herself wasn't much help. Siding with Ma, she told Johnny that breakfast in his shorts was no longer acceptable; nor was any scratching, breaking of wind, or air guitar playing. As for amorous? Maybe Johnny should temporarily think of other things.....like getting to putting up some shelves or painting the small front room.

Sensing life as he knew it was in jeopardy, Johnny finally had a brain wave!

An ebay listing

One fine Sunday Laura and Myrtle went to the pub, and Johnny stayed behind. Using his laptop he took a picture of Ma from his wedding, and photoshopped out Malcolm. If it wasn't Malcolm she was after any longer, perhaps Johnny could find her a new fella and rid himself of a problem all at once. So he created an ebay listing.

The actual true listing

For sale, one Mother-in-law. Will ship COD (cash on delivery) to a good, safe home. Not at all bad looking for her age, still has her wits about her, cleans great, cooks better and does a mean medium starch job on me shirts. House too small to accommodate Ma, as already have a cat and dog. Not getting much attention from my wife and would like my bathroom back. One thing to ponder, Ma does tend to nag!

I'm not kidding.

Now I'm sure there has been many a fella who has jokingly tried to get rid of his mother-in-law but Johnny meant business. He set Ma up on an auction, and over the next couple of days, took furtive looks at the computer. By day three he was up to 2,200 pounds, roughly 3,000 US dollars back in 2007.

One can only guess what Johnny was thinking. Maybe he thought he could take Laura on a nice vacation once the fuss settled down. No doubt, he wondered how in fact he would actually ship Ma to her new location.....

And then it hit the fan!

A pulled listing and a visit from the press

Why ebay didn't notice sooner is anyone's guess. On day four the final day of the listing, it got pulled quite unceremoniously by the bigwigs at ebay. To say they were, 'Not amused', would perhaps be an understatement. Johnny got a real good rollicking via email, with a warning to never try anything like that again.

Very dejected, Johnny just thought it was lucky that Ma hadn't found out....until a knock on the door at breakfast sounded and a local member of the press announced his desire to interview Ma. Turns out, someone who had viewed the listing got concerned for Ma's safety and called the newspaper and ebay.

One can only imagine the scene that took place; Ma outraged and riled up, Laura shocked and yet a bit bemused, Johnny heading out the door quickly to go to work early, less Ma find that trusty rolling pin and take it to his behind. And the fellas at the pub? What on earth were they going to think?

Whatever happened to Ma?

In real life, Ma actually gave no interviews. In Mellie's re-created world it went like this:

The story went national. Turns out Ma or Myrtle was indeed having a bit of a mid life crisis. Now that her youngest daughter had married, Ma wanted to train to be a nurse at one of the local hospitals. Her husband Malcolm, coming from a different era than his daughter, thought it would look like an absolute shame to have a wife who thought she had to work. Why couldn't she putter round the garden more?

Myrtle apparently was having none of it. Thoroughly determined that she could train as a practical nurse she had been steadfastly holding to her guns, and had even gone and applied and been accepted. When Malcolm told her she couldn't go, she left home instead.

Roving eye though he had, Malcolm was devoted to Myrtle. When the story hit the news, his first thought was to strangle his son-in-law Johnny, which would be a bit of a shame considering Laura loved him to bits. Realizing spending the rest of his days in jail probably wouldn't be too good, he pondered what to do.

His pal at the pub cleared the situation up for him. “I always had an eye for Myrtle. I'll pay 2,200 pounds for her any day of the week!'. This was seconded by another lusty lad, and that cleared it up for Malcolm. He did something he swore he wouldn't do, he went to fetch.....no beg Myrtle to come home. If the other fella's thought she was fine, he should show her better appreciation. She wanted to train as a nurse, fair enough, just COME HOME!

And she did :-)

And trained successfully as a nurse, graduating two years later with a proud beaming Malcolm, a somewhat shamefaced son-in-law, and a very pregnant daughter.

Meet the author

Melissa D. Ing
I have been writing ever since I can remember, and currently focus my attention on articles, how to guides and e-books. I have several novels in progress and I divide my time between Canada and the UK.